I miss her EVERY DAY!

She would have been about 1 year and 8 months old if she would have been alive. I used to think that if my arms will have another child, I will start to feel contentment/peace. Needless to say, I am happy with Aanush and smile is there but the pain is there too. I think of her every day. I love saying here name..."aanya" whereever I can, because everytime I say her name, I feel her existance. I know it may not make sense to many. Yesterday, I went to see my friend newborn baby girl. Little baby of my friend is about 6 pounds weight, same as aanya and when i was seeing her eyes and lips, I thought of aanya....I see aanya in every little baby girl. I didnt feel like leaving her. On my way back, I started to weap and shared it with my husband that I want to goto aanya's grave and am missing aanya badly. I still feel pain in my neck and chest when I weap for her. And then my husband told me that he misses her everyday too. He thinks of her everyday too. We both felt helpless and I wept all my way back. I couldn't goto her grave since it had snowed heavily yesterday and It was late about 11pm and aanush was with mom at home. You can never stop missing your child.

Then I thought of my neighbour who had lost her 21 year old daughter last year and I thought of a friend who recently lost her daughter/stillbirth case like mine. Trust me, its tough to live without your child. Its a LIFE LONG pain. But I feel happy too......with aanush. Wish I could explain myself better. There are always mixed emotions. Little /petty things don't bother me much anymore. I am very happy with aanush but there is always a LOSS PAIN in heart too. You know, aanush doesnt look like aanya anymore. That doesn't change my love for him at all but that makes me miss aanya more. That makes my thirst to get aanya back more. Honestly, loosing child is such a complex grief and you are always struggling inside to soothe yourself or thinking of plans to fix the continuous pain that it gets confusing to understand what do you really want. Because no matter what you do this pain stays with you as your body's part. Sometimes I say to my friends and myself if I will have lots of kids, then I will be so busy that I wouldn't be able to even realize this pain. But guess what, i am extremely busy even now- with work, aanush, home etc but still the pain never forgets to leave its place. How can you accept to live with this pain. Sometimes, I reach at acceptance but then the other day I am back with my fixing instinct.

But I would like to tell this to my beighbour who lost her 21 year old and my friend who recently lost her daughter before delivery, even though this pain would never go away but trust me your next child would bring you happiness and tears of joy. You would have the best time of you life giving him/her breast feed. I will pray for you and every mom who has lost child, that may god give them the strength to live and help them find ways to stay happy too.

OM NAMAH SHIVAY!

Prisha!!!! -god took one and gave one...

One of my close friend lost her daughter few weeks ago or I should say had a stillbirth case like mine and she had named her prisha. My heart goes out for her. Needless to say, she is going through an extreme tough time of grieving. When a child dies, parents die too in some way. Another friend recently had a daughter and named her prisha.

My heart said to god......I don't undertand you. I am happy for my another friend but how about the friend who weaps everyday for her lost prisha!

About 4 months of breastfeeding!

There is nothing better than seeing your 5 pounds 13 oz lil pumpkin growing bigger and taller. I was dieng to live the life of a regular mom. Breastfeeding, diaper changing, burping him, giving him bath, tummy time etc. -glad to do the stuff that I had thought was a dream that seemed TOO good to be ever true. I have a baby boy now.....who can never replace AANYA. She will forever be in my heart. Infact, I try to find her sometimes in my son's face. His eyes are so like aanya's.

I had sleepless nights after his birth but with finally peaceful dreams. OMG! so much to share with you all. I can keep on going.......

I guess I will start with the THE Day - when aanush was born. Yes, we have named him AANUSH. Born on sep 15th. They induced me on 14th and I was not going on active labor. Or I should say the dilation wasn't happening and my husband and my mom were after my life to go for C-section since they were extremely nervous. I still remember a board after my room said my husband and my mom's names as my support group but I felt them my "against group" instead of support. One of my close friend was also there with me for my support. She had been with me at aanya's delivery and she wanted to see this live child coming out this time. Coming back to the delivery scene- me and my husband were having arguements again and again on c-section of normal delivery. I eagerly wanted to go through the holy exprience of normal delivery instead of c-section but he didnt want to wait. In his opinion, waiting was risking again. Even nurses were sympathetic towards my situation. 15th eve- He gave me final one hour time to see if any progress would happen and if not, then we were supposed to goto operation room and guess what, I told my son to please come soon and help me and surprisingly, then he came out in 20 MINS through normal delivery. I was so strong when I was pushing him, I remember myself seeing aanush's heartbeat while I pushing since I wanted to make sure that his heart beat should not go down and didnt want to trust anyone on this. His first cry.....and we all wept including nurses. and here came, my big eyes baby surprised with the voices waiting for him. The best night of my life after that- my most proud moment was bringing him back from the nursery to my hospital room. I still remember clearly, it was about 3 am and I went to the nursery and asked the nurses -"can i touch him?" and i heard "is he your baby?" and i replied with yes and she said "then, why are you asking". Ohhh....I was so filled with joy and tears. That he is MINE. My blood and flesh......

I guess, Its enough for today. Sorry, have been so caught up with work, home and annush's stuff and was not getting to blog again but one of my major new year resolution to be back on blogging and I would try and do so now :-)

THANKYOU ALL FOR YOUR PRAYERS AND SUPPORT during my pregnancy!
OM NAMAH SHIVAY!