My Most helpless/longest night -8th May 2009!

Helpless/Longest night!

8th May 2009! My due date for Aanya’s birth was 6th May and it was 8th May when I couldn’t feel her moving and around 2 pm I left in rush to hospital & so rush that didn’t even let my mom take her dupatta. It was past 4 pm, I got to know Aanya is no more. It felt like a nightmare. I was like how could god do this to me when all I wanted in the world was to become a MOM! That was the only and only goal for me. I didn’t had Nonveg in my entire pregnancy as a pundit recommended & had moved our temple from our temple nook to Aanya’s room hoping god ll protect. I never thought in my wildest dreams that a perfectly healthy child in perfectly healthy pregnancy can die for something as simple as she pooped & inhaled it in stress. My thoughts people become parents when they don’t want to and all I wanted was to be a mom & how could god let this happen to me who hasn’t tried to really harm anyone ever intentionally.

Anyways, My first stupidest response was to fix!!!!! Amit was banging his head on the wall & mom was crying & getting ph calls from everywhere. I clearly remember asking dr. How soon can I get pregnant again. I just wanted to become mom!!!! I didn’t know what’s coming......till I saw her on 9th May.

Amit suggested C section but doctors proposed normal delivery even though it ll be emotionally treacherous but it was healthier choice for future, so I insisted to go with normal as was ready to take it like a warrior. You are not born strong, definitely not me, experiences make us/define us.

Next 24 hours was going through the labor pains knowing & not even a single second of sleep & the wait to deliver Aanya that too knowing she won’t be alive. I spent whole night looking at clock & monitor watching my contractions graph. Harshi bhaiya & Arti bhabhi were on their way from canada. It was the longest & the most helpless night of my life. Next day, after I delivered her, I was in shock beyond you can imagine. My brain had kind of stopped processing. When Aanya came out on 9th May - Mother’s Day!!! (Ironical 🤷‍♀️, my life is full of ironies lol) They kept her on a steel table top naked with no blanket cold as if she was a thing. I felt so so so angry but didn’t utter a word. Then she was given in my arms. Most yes! Most beautiful lips, most cutest child you can ever imagine.....My Aanya was so pretty & angelic. I wanted to see her whole body.....which I did. Till date I have regret that I couldn’t spend enough time with her. Well, you can never let go of your child and regardless of the age - few days, few months, years, loosing child is the worst pain on earth. It’s like living in hell. When a child dies, a part of you dies. Though god has made our brain such that with time it learns to process & live life again. Am a happy mom now with 2 boys. Aanya left me with a much much bigger heart ❤️ & a soul that can empathize & experience that taught not to judge people easily as you never know what people may be going through to be the way they are. Our experiences good or bad, are for us to learn lessons of life & define us. I was talking once to a dear writer friend & we were discussing that our experiences have made us a writer and given us the depth of emotional understanding that we have got today.

Ohh Mann!!!! I can really write essays easy lol. Sorry this was a sad nightmare experience that I wanted to put on paper. Sharing/writing is like venting, brings you peace I guess. People usually don’t share such experiences with open heart but i don’t know why but I wanted to let it out.  

But it’s a lesson that how time heals all pains & this pain of our current emotions during lockdown down shall pass too. Have faith in time & your universe.

Om Namah Shivay 🙏🏻

PS: Pic is of the helpless pregnant mom with no arms, a pottery sculpture made by me!

Surrender to your emotions sometimes!

Sometimes, just sometimes and yes, sometimes you want to give up! You want to give up everything, everything that keeps you going, everything that you aspire for, crave for, want to die for, long for and known for. Loneliness during social distancing gets on you, creeps upon you, regardless of how strong you are or regardless of how much support system you have. Yes, we have blessings to count & have gratitude for all that we got but sometimes all you want to see is sadness & sulk like a victim and be in your little shell of dwelling emotions & enjoy your tears, loneliness alone as struggle for anything else seems too heavy to carry. I guess it’s called taking an emotional trip to your well where no one else can go but only & only you. The struggle to sail/survive seems so treacherous that you want to do absolute nothing but sulk. Well, I know this all seems sad but it is what it is. Nothing fake, just so pure sense of acceptance for your true emotions. No one is answerable to anyone as long as you aren’t harming anyone except the god within you. But you know this emotional drip down to your “deep well” brings you back usually rejuvenated. During these social distancing days, I bet many of us are experiencing this phase or downfall days/hours. Sharing so that you know you aren’t alone, neither am I as some of us are going in our individual wells at the same time but to come back. Because going deep into the well brings out tears and going through councellor years ago, I had learnt tears rejuvenate you and bring you some peace. So it’s ok to cry, sulk and feel lonely sometimes and let world wait while you are healing in your sulking “Me” time. This time though shall pass too as our brain is automatically hardwired by universe to heal through any emotional wound or stress. Our brain knows how to work through any sadness as long as you surrender to your true emotions and go with the flow. Your brain develops the immunity to gradually cheer you up & bring your spirits up......

Om Namah Shivay prayer for all going through any kind of emotional roller Coaster 🙏🏻

Regards,

Gunjan 

Letter to my daughter in heaven...Happy Birthday Aanya!

Happy birthday Aanya!

I still see u growing vicariously. You would have been turning 6 today. Yes, you are and will always be My beautiful little princess. Indeed, Weird emotional time of the year for us- with mothers day coming always & ur death & birth anniversary next to each other...could it be more complicated than this LOL.

Your lil brother Aanush asks for u & wants to see your pictures & he even sometimes cries that he wants Aanya back. I sometimes see you as drama queen in him. I know you would have been so beautiful & I bet you are up in heaven as gods one of the most beautiful & cute little angel. I can never ever still let u go & your existence taught me so much. Your brothers are super loving & yes, super cute too as you. Btw I can imagine you in a beautiful dress & pink ribbons & perfectly pretty shoes. Indeed we love you soo much & way more than you can imagine darling & miss having you a lot too. Hope wherever you are in heaven or reincarnation, you are happy & that's all I pray for you today & for my selfish need, I also hope that I get to hug & kiss you again some day as deep inside I feel helpless & week feeling wish I had more time with you. Hugs & Kisses from you brothers Aanush & Aayush!

With Luv, kisses & prayers for you,

Your mom

PS: this letter is to my daughter who died for world years ago. 

Missing my mom on mother's day....

Dear Mom, Never wrote for you & here's a lil one for you...... Everytime I am unable to find something I kept somewhere I think of you Everytime I get tired and not in a mood to cook I think of you Everytime aanush does something more cute, I think of sharing with you. Off & on when make myself proud, I think of sharing the first with you  Everytime I feel sick, the first person I miss is you I miss the lunch box you packed everyday for me, I miss the way you used to use your hands to feed me, Miss the way you always woke up early for me, Miss the way you taught Hindi and algebra to me,  Miss the way you used to fight with me, Miss the way you used to complain to papa about me, Miss the most you always cooked my favorites for me.... Every time now I feel exhausted being a mom, I think of you.  Every time I feel lost in the world, unsure of the way, I think of you Though destiny has brought the distance & kept us apart but needless to say, you are always so close to my heart,  Am thankful to god that my mom is always there for me..... Love you always and you are the best mom for me....

you defined 'me' and 'everything else' to me.....

My lil angel ' Aanya'- you defined 'me' and 'everything else' to me..... I didn't know who I am till I grieved for you, I didn't know how much strength I have till I delivered you,  I didn't know my weaknesses either till I lost you, Didn't know what Bye or kiss means till I gave the goodbye kiss to you, I had no clue what life is till I started to experience the pain of losing you, Didn't really know what dead means either till a part of me died along with you,  I had no clue what being mom is either till I experienced your kick in me, Didn't know what denial means either till I experienced the emotional roller coaster ride in me.  Didn't know what motherhood feels like till I Decorated your room or started to shop for you,  Had no clue what world or people are either till I went through 'what I went through',  I had no clue what angels are either till you had send them to support me, Neither had much clue on what reality or destiny is either till I lost control of bringing back the life in you, Had no clue what happiness is till I realized what I had, when I had you. Got to know what really sadness means when I realized that there is nothing me or anyone can do to bring back you,  Didn't know what really struggle is till I started the the journey of bringing your sibling with the hope that I may get someone who may look like you,  Still remembering the lesson of what hope is when doctor didn't utter any word but lost the hope of finding the heartbeat for you, Learnt what really vicariously/imagination means when in my eyes open dreams imagined the growing you,  Learnt what hard means when experienced the hard challenge of not being able to stop tears for you, Learnt what empty means when I realized I had empty arms after losing you, Didn't know what money means either when learnt that there is nothing I can buy to replace / backfill the happiness of having you.  Though I am still learning as I grow and still far way to go,  But Yes, you defined the most of me and the most for me and you will always be alive not just in my heart but brain too as my dictionary for the most for me!  Love you always..... Your mom! 

Living far away from family pains a lot at times!

Our friend just lost his dad and he can't visit India to do rituals of his dad since there in an urgent court date which can't be missed or changed. I can't even imagine what he may be going through but only feel more looking at such scenarios that we do live so far away from families.

Distance hurts even more when you hear such instances. My sis is planning to relocate to Australia and since my mom has 2 daughters (me and my sis), my parents would be lil alone since we would be so far away from them. When we have festivals like Diwali, thanksgiving, Christmas........, birthdays, house warming, it's more painful since you feel bad that your most closed ones can't be there during your most big days. When I see my fellow friends celebrating with there families here little occasions, I miss being in that scenario too. It is fortunate for those who can meet there families very often. It's not easy to leave our life here and go back now and hence, no other choice but to learn to live with it.

Follow your dreams as life never comes back....

Only x years are left in everyone's life and why to live every day/year with unsatisfaction

and bothering thirst if you have strength to full fill your dreams. Moreover, not many people get to reach close to fulfill there dreams but if life is giving you an opportunity to fill yours even if it involves some risk, I think it's worth it. Life never comes back and we should do what our heart is leaning for. Moreover, I would never like to be a blocker for someone else's path to conquer there dream but instead would consider a priviledge if my any assistance can fill there much awaited true dream.

We don't know what life has in store for you and if anything can bring you the best awaited happiness, then go and grab your best ever moment now. Your dreams deserve to come true if you are so close to fill them. At least you would never regret that wish I would not have given up.....

Follow your heart/dreams.....