Happy new year!!!!

I hope this new year brings for us all ZILLION MORE joyous moments, moments to say cheers, moments to say thanks, moments to say congrats, moments to cry with joy, moments of tears with extreme laughter, moments of ultimate contentment, moments of awesome fragrance, moments of dreamt success going live, moments of best ever appreciation……..And every good will ever imagined!!! HAPPY NEW YEAR.....everyone.

It's easier to blame others for your own misery!!!!

I have done that myself and have seen others doing too- blaming others for their miserable situations. Lot of times our situations are result of the path we had chosen and our destiny but with intent to justify our deeds first thing we lean to do is to find flaws of others to blame for our misery. It's very hard to live with the guilt and be mad on our own self than others and I guess, that' leads to this blame others first phenomenon.

My ex boyfriend still blames me for breaking up with him and blames me for him to be very possessive and abusive to me during our relationship. This does not bother me at all because I have moved on far beyond that kiddish life but I wonder how easy it is to blame others and say that I was just being protective and caring for imposing crazy restrictions on you and for being abusive I had positive intent/frustrations for times I didn't follow his rule book. My heart just says after hearing all this after like zillion years- 'god bless your heart'.

Blaming others is easy and I know that for sure because at times I tried to blame lot of other things when aanya had died but the worst is to realize that more or less it was me who couldn't protect her and some unsure things I probably did untentionally which took her life and I know how killing it is to be blaming yourself vs others. Because you just don't know how to be mad at yourself or to forgive yourself or to heal the pain of being angry with your own self. Hence, I just think its good that all of those out there when blame others for their pain because by doing so they are more or less healing better and dealing with lesser pain than they can imagine if they would have realized how they are at fault too for leading into that situation.

Lots of luv to everyone out there....goodnight!

Trapped - a go ood movie to go away!

Saw trapped today, it's a thriller and would touch everyone especially if you have kids. There is nothing more imp for us more than our kids. I wonder how can god make us love someone so much. Our kids are our blood and flesh and may be its hormones that makes this bond beyond words. I remember when aanya had died, I had told doctor that I don't think I ll be able to love any other child like this. She said, no matter what you decide estrogen in you will make you live your child and that made me decide that ok, I need to plan again.

Anyways, look I was talking about movie and went in a all together diff direction. Well, this movie is about an asthma patient baby girl kidnapped and shows emotions of parents during the process and the fear. Really movies make you feel your problems are ok and usually take you away from your world and you come back with another vision added to your wallet. Am getting lately more and more passionate about watching movies. I take them as my time off/stress buster.

Well, time to go to bed. Goodnight everyone!

Movies......

Watching movies can be a great therapy especially since they take you to a different world, let you forget your stresss/pain/issues at least for sometime. I think a good engaging movie can be a good stress buster. Even I would recommend this therapy to grievers too. I remember when I had lost aanya (my daughter) I used to watch movies and at least for few hours I used to run away from tears as long as movies didn't show kids. Though back in first year of my loss, I used to hate watching the happy ending of each movie since I used to feel bad comparing it with my life.

But all aside, movies can take you away from stress/sorrows/anxiety. That's why I love watching movies especially the ones which are full of adventure or sci fi but always prefer at least 4star rating:-)

Some of my fav ones are- 51st dates, day after tomorrow, Sahara, the river wild, center of the earth, hangover etc..... Can keep on going. But now I got to go and put my son in bed.

Good night every and sleep tight with the best dreams ever:-)

Wish I could have heard you too....

Wish I could have heard you too....

For 9 months, you heard me blabber....

I so wanted to hear you too...

You tasted the spicy food I ate from my belly,

Didn't you want to taste my breast milk too....

I was so desperately keen to see you,

Didn't you wish to see me too.....

You heard me laughing, singing and crying,

I wanted to hear your first cry too....

You felt all my emotions and you always felt my stress,

Why didn't you let me feel your pain too....

I wonder where was I when you took your last breath,

What was I doing when you were in the Dieng stress...

I wish I could have heard you too......

My son, My baby - MY HEART BEATS IN YOU

My Son, My Heart BEATS in YOU.....
I see you and I get my reason to live though your sister had given me the reason to give...
I see you and get my reason to take a break inspite of lately a life of 'no time to breathe'.
I see you and get the reason to wipe my tears and finally, better reasons to say new cheers.
Its 500% true that my heart beats in you.
I was gone in the dead wreck in the struggle to find you.....Had even lost hopes that I will ever have you.
You came as a Miracle when I had almost lost faith in me.
You untangled some knots and finally brought the life back in me.
Thats why when I see you, I get my reason to live again, rise again, walk again, dream again and dance again.with you.....
There is no doubt in my mind that my son- my heart beats in you.

Back to Blogging!!!!!

To begin with, AM extremely SORRY my DEAR BLOG for not being able to stay in touch with you even though you helped me like a yelling bag and as an emotional outlet for me during my tough days. I think of writing and as if talking to my blog friends almost every day.....Sharing what I am going through but NO excuses, BUT TRUELY I had been crazy busy with work, home and my little "mumma's BOY now" son.

He crawls and chases me whereever I am in the house. well, coming back to where I was- I missed writing and sharing here. This is my innervoice where I can be completely ME.......(not that I behave differently in my life) but here I get to share my emotions openly. And with crazy busy schedule lately, wasn't able to come and express myself at my blog. I love you my dear blog and I missed you and the listeners here :-)

Aanush's nanny/babysitter has found another fulltime job and am back to nanny hunting. I thought I had found another but just few seconds ago, while I was writing here, I got the text that she would prefer a fulltime job too. I am only looking for a part time nanny. buhuhuhu! Wish she would have send me a message a lil while ago, then I would have probably made some calls already to hunt. I guess I will have to spend my weekend hunting for nanny now. But its ok, chores NEVER end.

Have A LOT TO SHARE with you all. will come back soon.....

luv you all!

I miss her EVERY DAY!

She would have been about 1 year and 8 months old if she would have been alive. I used to think that if my arms will have another child, I will start to feel contentment/peace. Needless to say, I am happy with Aanush and smile is there but the pain is there too. I think of her every day. I love saying here name..."aanya" whereever I can, because everytime I say her name, I feel her existance. I know it may not make sense to many. Yesterday, I went to see my friend newborn baby girl. Little baby of my friend is about 6 pounds weight, same as aanya and when i was seeing her eyes and lips, I thought of aanya....I see aanya in every little baby girl. I didnt feel like leaving her. On my way back, I started to weap and shared it with my husband that I want to goto aanya's grave and am missing aanya badly. I still feel pain in my neck and chest when I weap for her. And then my husband told me that he misses her everyday too. He thinks of her everyday too. We both felt helpless and I wept all my way back. I couldn't goto her grave since it had snowed heavily yesterday and It was late about 11pm and aanush was with mom at home. You can never stop missing your child.

Then I thought of my neighbour who had lost her 21 year old daughter last year and I thought of a friend who recently lost her daughter/stillbirth case like mine. Trust me, its tough to live without your child. Its a LIFE LONG pain. But I feel happy too......with aanush. Wish I could explain myself better. There are always mixed emotions. Little /petty things don't bother me much anymore. I am very happy with aanush but there is always a LOSS PAIN in heart too. You know, aanush doesnt look like aanya anymore. That doesn't change my love for him at all but that makes me miss aanya more. That makes my thirst to get aanya back more. Honestly, loosing child is such a complex grief and you are always struggling inside to soothe yourself or thinking of plans to fix the continuous pain that it gets confusing to understand what do you really want. Because no matter what you do this pain stays with you as your body's part. Sometimes I say to my friends and myself if I will have lots of kids, then I will be so busy that I wouldn't be able to even realize this pain. But guess what, i am extremely busy even now- with work, aanush, home etc but still the pain never forgets to leave its place. How can you accept to live with this pain. Sometimes, I reach at acceptance but then the other day I am back with my fixing instinct.

But I would like to tell this to my beighbour who lost her 21 year old and my friend who recently lost her daughter before delivery, even though this pain would never go away but trust me your next child would bring you happiness and tears of joy. You would have the best time of you life giving him/her breast feed. I will pray for you and every mom who has lost child, that may god give them the strength to live and help them find ways to stay happy too.

OM NAMAH SHIVAY!

Prisha!!!! -god took one and gave one...

One of my close friend lost her daughter few weeks ago or I should say had a stillbirth case like mine and she had named her prisha. My heart goes out for her. Needless to say, she is going through an extreme tough time of grieving. When a child dies, parents die too in some way. Another friend recently had a daughter and named her prisha.

My heart said to god......I don't undertand you. I am happy for my another friend but how about the friend who weaps everyday for her lost prisha!

About 4 months of breastfeeding!

There is nothing better than seeing your 5 pounds 13 oz lil pumpkin growing bigger and taller. I was dieng to live the life of a regular mom. Breastfeeding, diaper changing, burping him, giving him bath, tummy time etc. -glad to do the stuff that I had thought was a dream that seemed TOO good to be ever true. I have a baby boy now.....who can never replace AANYA. She will forever be in my heart. Infact, I try to find her sometimes in my son's face. His eyes are so like aanya's.

I had sleepless nights after his birth but with finally peaceful dreams. OMG! so much to share with you all. I can keep on going.......

I guess I will start with the THE Day - when aanush was born. Yes, we have named him AANUSH. Born on sep 15th. They induced me on 14th and I was not going on active labor. Or I should say the dilation wasn't happening and my husband and my mom were after my life to go for C-section since they were extremely nervous. I still remember a board after my room said my husband and my mom's names as my support group but I felt them my "against group" instead of support. One of my close friend was also there with me for my support. She had been with me at aanya's delivery and she wanted to see this live child coming out this time. Coming back to the delivery scene- me and my husband were having arguements again and again on c-section of normal delivery. I eagerly wanted to go through the holy exprience of normal delivery instead of c-section but he didnt want to wait. In his opinion, waiting was risking again. Even nurses were sympathetic towards my situation. 15th eve- He gave me final one hour time to see if any progress would happen and if not, then we were supposed to goto operation room and guess what, I told my son to please come soon and help me and surprisingly, then he came out in 20 MINS through normal delivery. I was so strong when I was pushing him, I remember myself seeing aanush's heartbeat while I pushing since I wanted to make sure that his heart beat should not go down and didnt want to trust anyone on this. His first cry.....and we all wept including nurses. and here came, my big eyes baby surprised with the voices waiting for him. The best night of my life after that- my most proud moment was bringing him back from the nursery to my hospital room. I still remember clearly, it was about 3 am and I went to the nursery and asked the nurses -"can i touch him?" and i heard "is he your baby?" and i replied with yes and she said "then, why are you asking". Ohhh....I was so filled with joy and tears. That he is MINE. My blood and flesh......

I guess, Its enough for today. Sorry, have been so caught up with work, home and annush's stuff and was not getting to blog again but one of my major new year resolution to be back on blogging and I would try and do so now :-)

THANKYOU ALL FOR YOUR PRAYERS AND SUPPORT during my pregnancy!
OM NAMAH SHIVAY!