My Most helpless/longest night -8th May 2009!

Helpless/Longest night!

8th May 2009! My due date for Aanya’s birth was 6th May and it was 8th May when I couldn’t feel her moving and around 2 pm I left in rush to hospital & so rush that didn’t even let my mom take her dupatta. It was past 4 pm, I got to know Aanya is no more. It felt like a nightmare. I was like how could god do this to me when all I wanted in the world was to become a MOM! That was the only and only goal for me. I didn’t had Nonveg in my entire pregnancy as a pundit recommended & had moved our temple from our temple nook to Aanya’s room hoping god ll protect. I never thought in my wildest dreams that a perfectly healthy child in perfectly healthy pregnancy can die for something as simple as she pooped & inhaled it in stress. My thoughts people become parents when they don’t want to and all I wanted was to be a mom & how could god let this happen to me who hasn’t tried to really harm anyone ever intentionally.

Anyways, My first stupidest response was to fix!!!!! Amit was banging his head on the wall & mom was crying & getting ph calls from everywhere. I clearly remember asking dr. How soon can I get pregnant again. I just wanted to become mom!!!! I didn’t know what’s coming......till I saw her on 9th May.

Amit suggested C section but doctors proposed normal delivery even though it ll be emotionally treacherous but it was healthier choice for future, so I insisted to go with normal as was ready to take it like a warrior. You are not born strong, definitely not me, experiences make us/define us.

Next 24 hours was going through the labor pains knowing & not even a single second of sleep & the wait to deliver Aanya that too knowing she won’t be alive. I spent whole night looking at clock & monitor watching my contractions graph. Harshi bhaiya & Arti bhabhi were on their way from canada. It was the longest & the most helpless night of my life. Next day, after I delivered her, I was in shock beyond you can imagine. My brain had kind of stopped processing. When Aanya came out on 9th May - Mother’s Day!!! (Ironical 🤷‍♀️, my life is full of ironies lol) They kept her on a steel table top naked with no blanket cold as if she was a thing. I felt so so so angry but didn’t utter a word. Then she was given in my arms. Most yes! Most beautiful lips, most cutest child you can ever imagine.....My Aanya was so pretty & angelic. I wanted to see her whole body.....which I did. Till date I have regret that I couldn’t spend enough time with her. Well, you can never let go of your child and regardless of the age - few days, few months, years, loosing child is the worst pain on earth. It’s like living in hell. When a child dies, a part of you dies. Though god has made our brain such that with time it learns to process & live life again. Am a happy mom now with 2 boys. Aanya left me with a much much bigger heart ❤️ & a soul that can empathize & experience that taught not to judge people easily as you never know what people may be going through to be the way they are. Our experiences good or bad, are for us to learn lessons of life & define us. I was talking once to a dear writer friend & we were discussing that our experiences have made us a writer and given us the depth of emotional understanding that we have got today.

Ohh Mann!!!! I can really write essays easy lol. Sorry this was a sad nightmare experience that I wanted to put on paper. Sharing/writing is like venting, brings you peace I guess. People usually don’t share such experiences with open heart but i don’t know why but I wanted to let it out.  

But it’s a lesson that how time heals all pains & this pain of our current emotions during lockdown down shall pass too. Have faith in time & your universe.

Om Namah Shivay 🙏🏻

PS: Pic is of the helpless pregnant mom with no arms, a pottery sculpture made by me!

Surrender to your emotions sometimes!

Sometimes, just sometimes and yes, sometimes you want to give up! You want to give up everything, everything that keeps you going, everything that you aspire for, crave for, want to die for, long for and known for. Loneliness during social distancing gets on you, creeps upon you, regardless of how strong you are or regardless of how much support system you have. Yes, we have blessings to count & have gratitude for all that we got but sometimes all you want to see is sadness & sulk like a victim and be in your little shell of dwelling emotions & enjoy your tears, loneliness alone as struggle for anything else seems too heavy to carry. I guess it’s called taking an emotional trip to your well where no one else can go but only & only you. The struggle to sail/survive seems so treacherous that you want to do absolute nothing but sulk. Well, I know this all seems sad but it is what it is. Nothing fake, just so pure sense of acceptance for your true emotions. No one is answerable to anyone as long as you aren’t harming anyone except the god within you. But you know this emotional drip down to your “deep well” brings you back usually rejuvenated. During these social distancing days, I bet many of us are experiencing this phase or downfall days/hours. Sharing so that you know you aren’t alone, neither am I as some of us are going in our individual wells at the same time but to come back. Because going deep into the well brings out tears and going through councellor years ago, I had learnt tears rejuvenate you and bring you some peace. So it’s ok to cry, sulk and feel lonely sometimes and let world wait while you are healing in your sulking “Me” time. This time though shall pass too as our brain is automatically hardwired by universe to heal through any emotional wound or stress. Our brain knows how to work through any sadness as long as you surrender to your true emotions and go with the flow. Your brain develops the immunity to gradually cheer you up & bring your spirits up......

Om Namah Shivay prayer for all going through any kind of emotional roller Coaster 🙏🏻

Regards,

Gunjan 

Letter to my daughter in heaven...Happy Birthday Aanya!

Happy birthday Aanya!

I still see u growing vicariously. You would have been turning 6 today. Yes, you are and will always be My beautiful little princess. Indeed, Weird emotional time of the year for us- with mothers day coming always & ur death & birth anniversary next to each other...could it be more complicated than this LOL.

Your lil brother Aanush asks for u & wants to see your pictures & he even sometimes cries that he wants Aanya back. I sometimes see you as drama queen in him. I know you would have been so beautiful & I bet you are up in heaven as gods one of the most beautiful & cute little angel. I can never ever still let u go & your existence taught me so much. Your brothers are super loving & yes, super cute too as you. Btw I can imagine you in a beautiful dress & pink ribbons & perfectly pretty shoes. Indeed we love you soo much & way more than you can imagine darling & miss having you a lot too. Hope wherever you are in heaven or reincarnation, you are happy & that's all I pray for you today & for my selfish need, I also hope that I get to hug & kiss you again some day as deep inside I feel helpless & week feeling wish I had more time with you. Hugs & Kisses from you brothers Aanush & Aayush!

With Luv, kisses & prayers for you,

Your mom

PS: this letter is to my daughter who died for world years ago. 

Missing my mom on mother's day....

Dear Mom, Never wrote for you & here's a lil one for you...... Everytime I am unable to find something I kept somewhere I think of you Everytime I get tired and not in a mood to cook I think of you Everytime aanush does something more cute, I think of sharing with you. Off & on when make myself proud, I think of sharing the first with you  Everytime I feel sick, the first person I miss is you I miss the lunch box you packed everyday for me, I miss the way you used to use your hands to feed me, Miss the way you always woke up early for me, Miss the way you taught Hindi and algebra to me,  Miss the way you used to fight with me, Miss the way you used to complain to papa about me, Miss the most you always cooked my favorites for me.... Every time now I feel exhausted being a mom, I think of you.  Every time I feel lost in the world, unsure of the way, I think of you Though destiny has brought the distance & kept us apart but needless to say, you are always so close to my heart,  Am thankful to god that my mom is always there for me..... Love you always and you are the best mom for me....

you defined 'me' and 'everything else' to me.....

My lil angel ' Aanya'- you defined 'me' and 'everything else' to me..... I didn't know who I am till I grieved for you, I didn't know how much strength I have till I delivered you,  I didn't know my weaknesses either till I lost you, Didn't know what Bye or kiss means till I gave the goodbye kiss to you, I had no clue what life is till I started to experience the pain of losing you, Didn't really know what dead means either till a part of me died along with you,  I had no clue what being mom is either till I experienced your kick in me, Didn't know what denial means either till I experienced the emotional roller coaster ride in me.  Didn't know what motherhood feels like till I Decorated your room or started to shop for you,  Had no clue what world or people are either till I went through 'what I went through',  I had no clue what angels are either till you had send them to support me, Neither had much clue on what reality or destiny is either till I lost control of bringing back the life in you, Had no clue what happiness is till I realized what I had, when I had you. Got to know what really sadness means when I realized that there is nothing me or anyone can do to bring back you,  Didn't know what really struggle is till I started the the journey of bringing your sibling with the hope that I may get someone who may look like you,  Still remembering the lesson of what hope is when doctor didn't utter any word but lost the hope of finding the heartbeat for you, Learnt what really vicariously/imagination means when in my eyes open dreams imagined the growing you,  Learnt what hard means when experienced the hard challenge of not being able to stop tears for you, Learnt what empty means when I realized I had empty arms after losing you, Didn't know what money means either when learnt that there is nothing I can buy to replace / backfill the happiness of having you.  Though I am still learning as I grow and still far way to go,  But Yes, you defined the most of me and the most for me and you will always be alive not just in my heart but brain too as my dictionary for the most for me!  Love you always..... Your mom! 

Living far away from family pains a lot at times!

Our friend just lost his dad and he can't visit India to do rituals of his dad since there in an urgent court date which can't be missed or changed. I can't even imagine what he may be going through but only feel more looking at such scenarios that we do live so far away from families.

Distance hurts even more when you hear such instances. My sis is planning to relocate to Australia and since my mom has 2 daughters (me and my sis), my parents would be lil alone since we would be so far away from them. When we have festivals like Diwali, thanksgiving, Christmas........, birthdays, house warming, it's more painful since you feel bad that your most closed ones can't be there during your most big days. When I see my fellow friends celebrating with there families here little occasions, I miss being in that scenario too. It is fortunate for those who can meet there families very often. It's not easy to leave our life here and go back now and hence, no other choice but to learn to live with it.

Follow your dreams as life never comes back....

Only x years are left in everyone's life and why to live every day/year with unsatisfaction

and bothering thirst if you have strength to full fill your dreams. Moreover, not many people get to reach close to fulfill there dreams but if life is giving you an opportunity to fill yours even if it involves some risk, I think it's worth it. Life never comes back and we should do what our heart is leaning for. Moreover, I would never like to be a blocker for someone else's path to conquer there dream but instead would consider a priviledge if my any assistance can fill there much awaited true dream.

We don't know what life has in store for you and if anything can bring you the best awaited happiness, then go and grab your best ever moment now. Your dreams deserve to come true if you are so close to fill them. At least you would never regret that wish I would not have given up.....

Follow your heart/dreams.....

Nothing immediate to look forward to at this point.....

My husband usually isn't keen to take vacations and no long weekend is coming soon either. Neither I have plans to visit India soon, nor anyone coming to meet us. Feeling stagnation both at work and in personal life. NOthing really visible to look forward to. They say leave yourself to time and let time take you to its journeys and twists and turns. Am not prepared for any more shocks but definitely keen to add to more excitement and life to my life. The only thing lately I look forward to us seeing my son while coming back from work. Rest all seems pretty monotonous. Always usually had something or the other to look forward to. I had felt the same stagnation almost 8 months before marriage but thereafter life has been a roller coaster ride and hence, not use to of a simple daily routine life.

Moreover, I have started wondering if my dreams would ever come true. I mean my last left wishes would ever come true. God, if you are their pls help.

Chopped at HGTV....

Have you this show. It's really good concept of bringing chefs and giving them 4 surprise mandatory ingredients only 20 mins to make appetizer, 30 mins for main course and 30 mins for dessert. Some ingredients are really tough and mind boggling. Makes you wonder what you would come up with if in that boat. I have seen them giving ingredients like jelly beans for dessert, grapes for entree, horse reddish and blue berries for 20 mins perpetration for appetizer.

Makes me realize I am not a good cook and need to learn a LOT and hardly know any cooking techniques. Cooking is such a wide art. I think you can never learn enough when it comes to cooking or I should say there is so much more to experiment in this art. But I bet it might get monotonous to for chefs to prepare same menu items again & again. Would luv the idea of restraint which has diff menu every and each day of year. Neither the chef would get bored and not the customer. That's what I called spices of life.... Taste new spice each day!

Hate myself for not giving kick start to my new year resolution...

Had planned to go to gym but hate to say that I couldn't take out time to go for it. Or I should say got lazy by the time I got free with daily home stuff. Hate myself when I decide and don't commit to it even though I know badly that my body desperately is starving for work out and I need to be fit. Have been feeling leg aches lately with no exercise of any sort. Am a couch potato now? God pls help me get back into the grove . Pls help god, if you are up there listening my left wishes. Have 2 dreams left in life now and can't wait to accomplish both and if I ll die thereafter, I ll rest in peace (most likely ;-) )

Fingers crossed.....for my dreams.

Happy new year!!!!

I hope this new year brings for us all ZILLION MORE joyous moments, moments to say cheers, moments to say thanks, moments to say congrats, moments to cry with joy, moments of tears with extreme laughter, moments of ultimate contentment, moments of awesome fragrance, moments of dreamt success going live, moments of best ever appreciation……..And every good will ever imagined!!! HAPPY NEW YEAR.....everyone.

It's easier to blame others for your own misery!!!!

I have done that myself and have seen others doing too- blaming others for their miserable situations. Lot of times our situations are result of the path we had chosen and our destiny but with intent to justify our deeds first thing we lean to do is to find flaws of others to blame for our misery. It's very hard to live with the guilt and be mad on our own self than others and I guess, that' leads to this blame others first phenomenon.

My ex boyfriend still blames me for breaking up with him and blames me for him to be very possessive and abusive to me during our relationship. This does not bother me at all because I have moved on far beyond that kiddish life but I wonder how easy it is to blame others and say that I was just being protective and caring for imposing crazy restrictions on you and for being abusive I had positive intent/frustrations for times I didn't follow his rule book. My heart just says after hearing all this after like zillion years- 'god bless your heart'.

Blaming others is easy and I know that for sure because at times I tried to blame lot of other things when aanya had died but the worst is to realize that more or less it was me who couldn't protect her and some unsure things I probably did untentionally which took her life and I know how killing it is to be blaming yourself vs others. Because you just don't know how to be mad at yourself or to forgive yourself or to heal the pain of being angry with your own self. Hence, I just think its good that all of those out there when blame others for their pain because by doing so they are more or less healing better and dealing with lesser pain than they can imagine if they would have realized how they are at fault too for leading into that situation.

Lots of luv to everyone out there....goodnight!

Trapped - a go ood movie to go away!

Saw trapped today, it's a thriller and would touch everyone especially if you have kids. There is nothing more imp for us more than our kids. I wonder how can god make us love someone so much. Our kids are our blood and flesh and may be its hormones that makes this bond beyond words. I remember when aanya had died, I had told doctor that I don't think I ll be able to love any other child like this. She said, no matter what you decide estrogen in you will make you live your child and that made me decide that ok, I need to plan again.

Anyways, look I was talking about movie and went in a all together diff direction. Well, this movie is about an asthma patient baby girl kidnapped and shows emotions of parents during the process and the fear. Really movies make you feel your problems are ok and usually take you away from your world and you come back with another vision added to your wallet. Am getting lately more and more passionate about watching movies. I take them as my time off/stress buster.

Well, time to go to bed. Goodnight everyone!

Movies......

Watching movies can be a great therapy especially since they take you to a different world, let you forget your stresss/pain/issues at least for sometime. I think a good engaging movie can be a good stress buster. Even I would recommend this therapy to grievers too. I remember when I had lost aanya (my daughter) I used to watch movies and at least for few hours I used to run away from tears as long as movies didn't show kids. Though back in first year of my loss, I used to hate watching the happy ending of each movie since I used to feel bad comparing it with my life.

But all aside, movies can take you away from stress/sorrows/anxiety. That's why I love watching movies especially the ones which are full of adventure or sci fi but always prefer at least 4star rating:-)

Some of my fav ones are- 51st dates, day after tomorrow, Sahara, the river wild, center of the earth, hangover etc..... Can keep on going. But now I got to go and put my son in bed.

Good night every and sleep tight with the best dreams ever:-)

Wish I could have heard you too....

Wish I could have heard you too....

For 9 months, you heard me blabber....

I so wanted to hear you too...

You tasted the spicy food I ate from my belly,

Didn't you want to taste my breast milk too....

I was so desperately keen to see you,

Didn't you wish to see me too.....

You heard me laughing, singing and crying,

I wanted to hear your first cry too....

You felt all my emotions and you always felt my stress,

Why didn't you let me feel your pain too....

I wonder where was I when you took your last breath,

What was I doing when you were in the Dieng stress...

I wish I could have heard you too......

My son, My baby - MY HEART BEATS IN YOU

My Son, My Heart BEATS in YOU.....
I see you and I get my reason to live though your sister had given me the reason to give...
I see you and get my reason to take a break inspite of lately a life of 'no time to breathe'.
I see you and get the reason to wipe my tears and finally, better reasons to say new cheers.
Its 500% true that my heart beats in you.
I was gone in the dead wreck in the struggle to find you.....Had even lost hopes that I will ever have you.
You came as a Miracle when I had almost lost faith in me.
You untangled some knots and finally brought the life back in me.
Thats why when I see you, I get my reason to live again, rise again, walk again, dream again and dance again.with you.....
There is no doubt in my mind that my son- my heart beats in you.

Back to Blogging!!!!!

To begin with, AM extremely SORRY my DEAR BLOG for not being able to stay in touch with you even though you helped me like a yelling bag and as an emotional outlet for me during my tough days. I think of writing and as if talking to my blog friends almost every day.....Sharing what I am going through but NO excuses, BUT TRUELY I had been crazy busy with work, home and my little "mumma's BOY now" son.

He crawls and chases me whereever I am in the house. well, coming back to where I was- I missed writing and sharing here. This is my innervoice where I can be completely ME.......(not that I behave differently in my life) but here I get to share my emotions openly. And with crazy busy schedule lately, wasn't able to come and express myself at my blog. I love you my dear blog and I missed you and the listeners here :-)

Aanush's nanny/babysitter has found another fulltime job and am back to nanny hunting. I thought I had found another but just few seconds ago, while I was writing here, I got the text that she would prefer a fulltime job too. I am only looking for a part time nanny. buhuhuhu! Wish she would have send me a message a lil while ago, then I would have probably made some calls already to hunt. I guess I will have to spend my weekend hunting for nanny now. But its ok, chores NEVER end.

Have A LOT TO SHARE with you all. will come back soon.....

luv you all!

I miss her EVERY DAY!

She would have been about 1 year and 8 months old if she would have been alive. I used to think that if my arms will have another child, I will start to feel contentment/peace. Needless to say, I am happy with Aanush and smile is there but the pain is there too. I think of her every day. I love saying here name..."aanya" whereever I can, because everytime I say her name, I feel her existance. I know it may not make sense to many. Yesterday, I went to see my friend newborn baby girl. Little baby of my friend is about 6 pounds weight, same as aanya and when i was seeing her eyes and lips, I thought of aanya....I see aanya in every little baby girl. I didnt feel like leaving her. On my way back, I started to weap and shared it with my husband that I want to goto aanya's grave and am missing aanya badly. I still feel pain in my neck and chest when I weap for her. And then my husband told me that he misses her everyday too. He thinks of her everyday too. We both felt helpless and I wept all my way back. I couldn't goto her grave since it had snowed heavily yesterday and It was late about 11pm and aanush was with mom at home. You can never stop missing your child.

Then I thought of my neighbour who had lost her 21 year old daughter last year and I thought of a friend who recently lost her daughter/stillbirth case like mine. Trust me, its tough to live without your child. Its a LIFE LONG pain. But I feel happy too......with aanush. Wish I could explain myself better. There are always mixed emotions. Little /petty things don't bother me much anymore. I am very happy with aanush but there is always a LOSS PAIN in heart too. You know, aanush doesnt look like aanya anymore. That doesn't change my love for him at all but that makes me miss aanya more. That makes my thirst to get aanya back more. Honestly, loosing child is such a complex grief and you are always struggling inside to soothe yourself or thinking of plans to fix the continuous pain that it gets confusing to understand what do you really want. Because no matter what you do this pain stays with you as your body's part. Sometimes I say to my friends and myself if I will have lots of kids, then I will be so busy that I wouldn't be able to even realize this pain. But guess what, i am extremely busy even now- with work, aanush, home etc but still the pain never forgets to leave its place. How can you accept to live with this pain. Sometimes, I reach at acceptance but then the other day I am back with my fixing instinct.

But I would like to tell this to my beighbour who lost her 21 year old and my friend who recently lost her daughter before delivery, even though this pain would never go away but trust me your next child would bring you happiness and tears of joy. You would have the best time of you life giving him/her breast feed. I will pray for you and every mom who has lost child, that may god give them the strength to live and help them find ways to stay happy too.

OM NAMAH SHIVAY!

Prisha!!!! -god took one and gave one...

One of my close friend lost her daughter few weeks ago or I should say had a stillbirth case like mine and she had named her prisha. My heart goes out for her. Needless to say, she is going through an extreme tough time of grieving. When a child dies, parents die too in some way. Another friend recently had a daughter and named her prisha.

My heart said to god......I don't undertand you. I am happy for my another friend but how about the friend who weaps everyday for her lost prisha!

About 4 months of breastfeeding!

There is nothing better than seeing your 5 pounds 13 oz lil pumpkin growing bigger and taller. I was dieng to live the life of a regular mom. Breastfeeding, diaper changing, burping him, giving him bath, tummy time etc. -glad to do the stuff that I had thought was a dream that seemed TOO good to be ever true. I have a baby boy now.....who can never replace AANYA. She will forever be in my heart. Infact, I try to find her sometimes in my son's face. His eyes are so like aanya's.

I had sleepless nights after his birth but with finally peaceful dreams. OMG! so much to share with you all. I can keep on going.......

I guess I will start with the THE Day - when aanush was born. Yes, we have named him AANUSH. Born on sep 15th. They induced me on 14th and I was not going on active labor. Or I should say the dilation wasn't happening and my husband and my mom were after my life to go for C-section since they were extremely nervous. I still remember a board after my room said my husband and my mom's names as my support group but I felt them my "against group" instead of support. One of my close friend was also there with me for my support. She had been with me at aanya's delivery and she wanted to see this live child coming out this time. Coming back to the delivery scene- me and my husband were having arguements again and again on c-section of normal delivery. I eagerly wanted to go through the holy exprience of normal delivery instead of c-section but he didnt want to wait. In his opinion, waiting was risking again. Even nurses were sympathetic towards my situation. 15th eve- He gave me final one hour time to see if any progress would happen and if not, then we were supposed to goto operation room and guess what, I told my son to please come soon and help me and surprisingly, then he came out in 20 MINS through normal delivery. I was so strong when I was pushing him, I remember myself seeing aanush's heartbeat while I pushing since I wanted to make sure that his heart beat should not go down and didnt want to trust anyone on this. His first cry.....and we all wept including nurses. and here came, my big eyes baby surprised with the voices waiting for him. The best night of my life after that- my most proud moment was bringing him back from the nursery to my hospital room. I still remember clearly, it was about 3 am and I went to the nursery and asked the nurses -"can i touch him?" and i heard "is he your baby?" and i replied with yes and she said "then, why are you asking". Ohhh....I was so filled with joy and tears. That he is MINE. My blood and flesh......

I guess, Its enough for today. Sorry, have been so caught up with work, home and annush's stuff and was not getting to blog again but one of my major new year resolution to be back on blogging and I would try and do so now :-)

THANKYOU ALL FOR YOUR PRAYERS AND SUPPORT during my pregnancy!
OM NAMAH SHIVAY!