My Most helpless/longest night -8th May 2009!

Helpless/Longest night!

8th May 2009! My due date for Aanya’s birth was 6th May and it was 8th May when I couldn’t feel her moving and around 2 pm I left in rush to hospital & so rush that didn’t even let my mom take her dupatta. It was past 4 pm, I got to know Aanya is no more. It felt like a nightmare. I was like how could god do this to me when all I wanted in the world was to become a MOM! That was the only and only goal for me. I didn’t had Nonveg in my entire pregnancy as a pundit recommended & had moved our temple from our temple nook to Aanya’s room hoping god ll protect. I never thought in my wildest dreams that a perfectly healthy child in perfectly healthy pregnancy can die for something as simple as she pooped & inhaled it in stress. My thoughts people become parents when they don’t want to and all I wanted was to be a mom & how could god let this happen to me who hasn’t tried to really harm anyone ever intentionally.

Anyways, My first stupidest response was to fix!!!!! Amit was banging his head on the wall & mom was crying & getting ph calls from everywhere. I clearly remember asking dr. How soon can I get pregnant again. I just wanted to become mom!!!! I didn’t know what’s coming......till I saw her on 9th May.

Amit suggested C section but doctors proposed normal delivery even though it ll be emotionally treacherous but it was healthier choice for future, so I insisted to go with normal as was ready to take it like a warrior. You are not born strong, definitely not me, experiences make us/define us.

Next 24 hours was going through the labor pains knowing & not even a single second of sleep & the wait to deliver Aanya that too knowing she won’t be alive. I spent whole night looking at clock & monitor watching my contractions graph. Harshi bhaiya & Arti bhabhi were on their way from canada. It was the longest & the most helpless night of my life. Next day, after I delivered her, I was in shock beyond you can imagine. My brain had kind of stopped processing. When Aanya came out on 9th May - Mother’s Day!!! (Ironical 🤷‍♀️, my life is full of ironies lol) They kept her on a steel table top naked with no blanket cold as if she was a thing. I felt so so so angry but didn’t utter a word. Then she was given in my arms. Most yes! Most beautiful lips, most cutest child you can ever imagine.....My Aanya was so pretty & angelic. I wanted to see her whole body.....which I did. Till date I have regret that I couldn’t spend enough time with her. Well, you can never let go of your child and regardless of the age - few days, few months, years, loosing child is the worst pain on earth. It’s like living in hell. When a child dies, a part of you dies. Though god has made our brain such that with time it learns to process & live life again. Am a happy mom now with 2 boys. Aanya left me with a much much bigger heart ❤️ & a soul that can empathize & experience that taught not to judge people easily as you never know what people may be going through to be the way they are. Our experiences good or bad, are for us to learn lessons of life & define us. I was talking once to a dear writer friend & we were discussing that our experiences have made us a writer and given us the depth of emotional understanding that we have got today.

Ohh Mann!!!! I can really write essays easy lol. Sorry this was a sad nightmare experience that I wanted to put on paper. Sharing/writing is like venting, brings you peace I guess. People usually don’t share such experiences with open heart but i don’t know why but I wanted to let it out.  

But it’s a lesson that how time heals all pains & this pain of our current emotions during lockdown down shall pass too. Have faith in time & your universe.

Om Namah Shivay 🙏🏻

PS: Pic is of the helpless pregnant mom with no arms, a pottery sculpture made by me!

Surrender to your emotions sometimes!

Sometimes, just sometimes and yes, sometimes you want to give up! You want to give up everything, everything that keeps you going, everything that you aspire for, crave for, want to die for, long for and known for. Loneliness during social distancing gets on you, creeps upon you, regardless of how strong you are or regardless of how much support system you have. Yes, we have blessings to count & have gratitude for all that we got but sometimes all you want to see is sadness & sulk like a victim and be in your little shell of dwelling emotions & enjoy your tears, loneliness alone as struggle for anything else seems too heavy to carry. I guess it’s called taking an emotional trip to your well where no one else can go but only & only you. The struggle to sail/survive seems so treacherous that you want to do absolute nothing but sulk. Well, I know this all seems sad but it is what it is. Nothing fake, just so pure sense of acceptance for your true emotions. No one is answerable to anyone as long as you aren’t harming anyone except the god within you. But you know this emotional drip down to your “deep well” brings you back usually rejuvenated. During these social distancing days, I bet many of us are experiencing this phase or downfall days/hours. Sharing so that you know you aren’t alone, neither am I as some of us are going in our individual wells at the same time but to come back. Because going deep into the well brings out tears and going through councellor years ago, I had learnt tears rejuvenate you and bring you some peace. So it’s ok to cry, sulk and feel lonely sometimes and let world wait while you are healing in your sulking “Me” time. This time though shall pass too as our brain is automatically hardwired by universe to heal through any emotional wound or stress. Our brain knows how to work through any sadness as long as you surrender to your true emotions and go with the flow. Your brain develops the immunity to gradually cheer you up & bring your spirits up......

Om Namah Shivay prayer for all going through any kind of emotional roller Coaster 🙏🏻

Regards,

Gunjan