BIG DAY TOMORROW!

So, finally doctors have done baby's lung test and they have given the green signal for induction tomorrow. SO, tomorrow hospital should call me for a time for me to go in - when they will induce me. Can't wait anymore now. Would not be able to blog for may be few days......as if i am so consitent anyways!

But wanted to keep you guys posted. Can't wait to see his face, 10 little fingers and 10 little toes...........want to touch him, hold him and HUG him as tight as I can. Really keeping crossed!

Tired of following religious restrictions, SHHH and internal conflicts!!!!

Today when I met with my grief councellor, I discussed with him how I am tired of fighting with our religious rules. I haven't been able to visit my aanya's grave ever since I have gotten pregnant since priests and religion says its not recommended to goto cemetry in pregnancy. Now, I when I will deliver- I want to take my child first to aanya and want to tell aanya why her mom was not able to see her and want her brother to get her elder sister's blessings first. For me my aanya is my god in many ways. But then again I heard its not recommended to take newborn right to cemetry from hospital. This is enough.....I dont want rules and religion that keeps me away from my own JAAN..my daughter for so loong.

Lot of things have started to bother me lately. I am frustrated.....As you know we havent shared my pregnancy news with many friends and family and I am tired of this SHHHHHHH!

Really concerned and tired of thinking about whether I will be able to bond myself emotionally in as strong way as I am with aanya. I am really worried about my emotional bonding with my baby boy to come.

God please help me in resolving these conflicts. I am tired both physically and mentally!!!!!

Tomorrow is my Birthday!

I remember when I was kid or I should say years ago, I used to be so excited for my birthday. Excited for different things, whether its partieng with friends or shopping a nice birthday dress, opening gifts, good food, etc etc....BUT now it seems like another day. Though I want to do something atleast a little different or special to pamper myself but the excitement which used to be years ago, its not really there anymore....its almost like its a different me now.

Birthdays seem to be boring now. We will go out for some shopping and lunch but thats something we do almost kind of everyweekend. Feeling bored right now and missing old extreme fun filled birthday days! Nastalgic.................................................

I guess I am in Nesting Phase!!!!!

Lately, as I am approaching further in my third trimester I feel the need of changing decor and making home look better and also, the urgency and keen need of more organization everywhere -in kitchen, in closet, my jewellary, bathroom stuff, accessories etc.....I remember in my last pregnancy too, i had felt the keen intent of organization. I guess that's what they call it NESTING PHASE. A phase where in every being whether its animals, birds or human beings, we all tend to be prepared with the neat and appropriate nest for our coming generation.

I feel the energy to organize stuff around home and change decor of home to make it look more appropriate and somehow, kids friendly too. I have took quiet a few home projects in hands for instance- living room, guest bedroom & guest bathroom decor change and kitchen and my bathroom reorganization. Lot of things still do but days go quick lately with work, commute, doctor appointments and home erins.

Not sure if everyone else experiences the similar kind of nesting phase during pregnancy or not. Would luv to hear your experiences and/or comments!

My aproach towards people!

I usually go with a very open frame of mind when I come across anyone. I don't go with preconcieved notions and/or any assumptions when I meet anyone. Some people feel that that I can be a friend to every tom, dick and harry. But unfortunately, thats not the case. There is noone who's tom dick and harry in my friends. Infact those who look common are one of the most amazing people many a times. I guess I tend to go with the optimistic thoughts and try and discover everyone gradually and in that process, for most of the people I feel great and sometimes I realise that my ethics and values don't go well with few. I definitely have got hurt as well because of my initial optimistic approach, since I realise at times later that I shouldn't have got my self emotionally attached to relationships which probably didn't deserve my time and love from the begining.

For me to respect and cherish my friendship with anyone somethings are very important:
1) That person should be first a good human being.
2) That person should have a good heart.
3) NOT SELFISH. Even if that person may continue to be a great and not selfish to me but if I get to see him/her extremely selfish and/or escapist even with anyone else, that turns me off towards them.
4) I hate to see when a friend can not stand for another in either good or bad times. Thats turns me off too.
5) When one person tries to take undue advantage of another, thats another one.
6) Cutting & ignorant towards anyone's feelings. I call it knowingly hurtful.
7) Faqueness. We all tend to be not completely same in and out. Thats understandable but when, when someone tends be faque....thats a no no.
8) Most Imp one....FULL OF YOURSELF! When I see someone so full of them as in who think they know all, not open to listen/learn/ consider any other option/opinion at ALL and only concerned about there thoughts, there liking etc. is a NOGO too.
9) His way or highway types most of the times, is another attitude that puts me off.
10) Not thankful as in never acknowledging other person's efforts or time is anothey thing that makes me step backward.

Well, i know in friendship there shouldnt be any conditions but my these thoughts are not just for for friendship these are simple ethics and values expectations for me to pursue and cherish my relationship and /or friendship. That being said, We all know who we are from inside and sooner or later the truth shines. And above all, we all are answerable to GOD!

Thanks for listening my thoughts....

aanya - meri gudiya meri jaan!

aanya - meri gudiya meri jaan,
tere bin jeena bilkul nahi hai aasaan....
khushi ho yah gam...
tere na hone ka har pal afsos karenge hum....
aaj bhi tere naam me basi hai meri gudiya meri jaan....
sach tujh bin jeena bilkul nahi hai aasaan.
Nahi bhul sakti mai tere woh chote chote se haath woh tere chote chote se pao,
afsos hai mujhe, nahi dekh sakhi mai tere nanhe umadte se bhao....
kash tere nanhe se pyare se honth mujhse kuch keh paate,
kash mere kaan teri awaaz, teri kilkari sun paate.
kash tere hath tere papa ki ungliyan tham paate,
aur humesha sochti hu ki kash hum zindagi ek sath jee pate.....
aaj bhi tujhe alvida nahi keh sakti hu meri jaan
mai kya karu, tere bin jeena bahut mushkil hai, sach nahi hai aasaan....
tere sang sochi thi har diwali, kaun suljhayega ab yeh uljhane aur tere na hone ki paheli....
mere liye to mere eeshwar se pehle mai leti hu tera naam,
tujhe apne mun me chum kar shuru karti hu har naya kaam,
aaj bhi apne se alag nahi kar paayi hu tere liye liya har woh samaan.
nahi malum tu kaha aur kyu gum ho gayi,
yeh zindagi tujhe hum se itni dur aur na jaane kaha kyu le gayi,
aaj bhi duyaon me jaane anjaane tujhe mangti hu mai,
tere na hone ke ehsaas se aaj bhi dur bhagti hu mai.....
kya kahu tere jaane ke baad se itni hairaan pareshaan hu aur meri aatma ko ek pal ke liye bhi nahi mila hai araam,
tujhse bhichad ke jeena bahut mushkil hai meri nanhi gudiya meri jaan !

Wish I knew the art of Analysing DREAMS!

Well, I had read few books lately on dreams analysis. One of the book said that via dream our subconsious mind communicates with our consious state as in it conveys the message but its hard to interpret it since many a times its a pun. Just like our consious state is thinking and doing analysis every moment, our subconsious mind too is recording information and making critical notes on the most impacted stuff. And via dreams it conveys us messages as in this is wat you are going through, this you shouldn't do, this you are juding wrong, this may help us, this is your current priority/sate of mind etc etc.

I didn't read anywhere that said that dreams indicate our future in anyway and I hope in reality DREAMS do not indicate future. Well, I had a horrible dream 2 days ago. Wish I could get it analysed. I don't rememeber the whole dream but I will share what I remember waguely. In my dream, I was in a boat with some people in it -with a feeling that they all are my people/my family and my responsibility. I didnt see anyone though. The boat was on a stream (not at all deep stream). Stream was so shallow that you can step down and walk and it was on the side of a downtown kind of road. I felt I needed to go to restroom and hence, I had to try and take boat upstream so as to use the restroom just 2 minutes away which we had missed. So, in my effort to do so the boat which looked like a small size ship (which can seat 30 people atleast type) went upside down couple of times as if tripped 360 degree couple of times and hence, I realised some of my near and dear ones have fallen in that shallow water and since that boat had hit something, they were stuck under the concrete of some building. My readers know that I don't have a live kid in my hand for now, but in my dream I realised that my 3 kids are stuck there. I ran to to take them out from the concrete which had fallen and I did feel in my dream that I am pregnant since I felt heavy and concious while running. Rest everyone was safe except my 3 kids were stuck there. One kid was just an infant, second was 3 years old and the third in my dream was about 7/8 or may be 10 years old. I felt all the energy to dig and I took 2 of them out quickly the infant and the 3 years old and then these kids were breathing and alive buy unconsious with there eyes closed just the way I had seen aanya with her eyes closed. And the worst of all some veins from there neck were cut and hanging out, so they needed to be taken to doctor immediately for surgery. The thought in my mind was thankgod they are still breathing and I have to rush them and save them by all means. I was feeling an energy and so strong desire to save them as in I will die if anything happens to them. I was holding one child in my one arm and second in another arm. I also felt guilty in the dream of trieng to take ship upstream since I had to pee urgently. I felt so scared and was shouting to ask the crowd to call 911. I had hugged my kids tight and was shouting over and over with tears in my eyes " please call 911" I don't recall myself holding the 3rd eldest child though. and then, I woke up.

Not sure what that dream means, may be it reflects my fear to some extent and/or the desire to NOT let anything wrong happen to any of my child. Why was that shallow stream here in almost middle of the downtown road and the ship seemed to be looking good but not sturdy enough that it broke while trieng to take it upstream. Sometimes I get very weird dreams associated with my pregnancy and my own kids. Please help me if anyone of you knows how to analyse dreams and if you know the way I can get them analysed because I wonder and hope these dreams are not indication of any wrong sign now. Because I don't think I can take any loss anymore.

Thanks for listening to me!

PS: I think of writing blog everyday and feel quilty for not being able to write in evening but then with work, home stuff and commute I get tired and feel lazy by night.

Can't wait to deliver!

I really can't wait to be in the THE day when I will have my live and hopefully healthy child in my hands. Ohh my god....the feeling that I have right now is like you have the world's most yummy icecream in front of you and you haven't eaten anything since 1 year, and you are extreeeeemly beyond words hungry and still you need to wait for a specific date to be able to eat it..........Can' express, how much tears I guess I would have seeing him moving his hands, hearing him cry, see him seeing me......TOUCHWOOD! I hope nothing wrong would happen now. If doctor's would ask me to deliver today. I would do it without even a single second thought. Can't wait to see my mom and my husband holding and kissing our live baby. These 9 months are passing like 90 years.....GOD please fast forward it now. Thankgod with the new job the weekdays flies to some extent though evenings are still difficult to pass. When he moves in the belly, i feel like opening the belly and touch him, see him and hug him so tight.

Though this time at "bhaiyaduj"(those who dont know its a hindu festival to celeberate brother and sister relationship) I will miss aanya so much. Needless to say, I miss her everyday but today when I was thinking that who would be a sister for my baby's bhaiya duj day......I felt so helpless to not to have aanya. sigh!

Well, i feel so heavy too. I have gained more than 22 pounds already. Belly is so out and i feel back aches lately. Changing postures, getting up from bed is getting tough. For zillion reasons my heart says every minute, I CAN'T WAIT TO DELIVER....!

Fingers so tightly crossed.

BUSY BUSY BUSY!

Being busy is good sometimes, since it takes your mind away from stress and lets you distracted from "scary what iff" thoughts. I have been thinking of writing lot of recent experiences for eg. my friends had thrown a very thoughtful goodluck/ baby shower kind of gettogether for me this saturday and on sunday I had planned a satyanarayan katha at myplace wherein I cooked for about 50 people. So, I want to share my thoughts on both and many other things going in mind lately but like I said, with the job, commute and home stuff - last few weeks have been crazy. But I miss writing though. The thought of someone listening to you via blog is so relieving and like going to a therapist. But simultaneously, in my case being so BUSY was also so much needed to keep my mind atleast for the day away from scary thoughts. Since, I am tired of panicking thoughts and I am SO READY TO DELIVER. Can't wait to hold my live child in my arms. fingers really crossed!

Will write more soon on last few days happening and stuff.

Pregnancy after a Loss!

Pregnancy after a loss is like passing LOOONG 9 years in 9 months. Everyday if I don't get to feel kicks, i prepare myself for the worst because I am so scared of being in that dead stage/getting shock again. My doctor used a term for this like post traumatic stress. You live your nightmare over and over in the self preperation for the worst. Needless to say, I miss my daughter even more when I feel this baby's kicks. Little little things remind me so much of my previous pregnancy and then, talks with friends on delivery and stuff rewinds and plays in my mind my whole journey of delivering my stillborn aanya. Me and my husband hate to plan anything since we are still in so much desbelief. We tend to ignore at times the fact that we hopefully, will have a child in our arms. We are trieng our level best to not to be excited and we don't want to setup any hopes since we are so scared of getting hurt/being dead again. By being dead here, I mean when a child dies believe it or not parents die as well for a long time. I was so dead and i still don't believe it at times that this has all happened with me. Everyday I count how many days are left and I am sooooo ready to deliver or I should say, I can't wait to deliver this time. I am sick and tired of living in fear. I am sick and tired of living in this wierd ignorance/desbelief. I am sick and tired of hiding my pregnancy with people. Most of my relatives and friends still don't know that I am pregnant. Though I have heard from other friends/parents who have lost kids/infants that having another child is the only medicine to our pain, but the journey to attain that medicine is so painful itself. Moreover, going through the mixed emotions of having a boy this time..not a girl. I am so damm exausted from the emotional roller coaster ride of - first misscarriage, then loosing weight to concieve, previous pregnancy, Then on the top of it worst of all loosing aanya, then my hardship with weight loss again, and then this pregnancy journey and the struggle of accepting the loss..........I need peace and smile without ANY stress. I am sooo longing for a peaceful and calm life. I am hopeful that when I will finally get to hold my LIVE BABY in my arms, I would have those contented tears and a happy final SIGH........
Need your prayers this time. And thanks for listening to me.

Quebec City, Canada vacation on long weekend!

I feel like I have more energy lately. Even after long drive from quebec city, I cam back and made idli's for next day lunch for me and my husband.

Well, quebec city, Canada....didn't expect it to be so different. Not many people who know english there. So, please be ready to use sign language/ having hard time to explain yourself if you don't know french and are going to quebec. I remember asking a lady to take our photograph on the mountain view spot, and she said yeah and then she left from the place without uttering any word and didn't take our picture. I had asked her before if she knows english and she had said "little". Also, I remember we went to a eating joint and another lady didn;t know english and I asked her what town is this and she got sooo confused and not sure if she understood my question. Place is so pretty......Mount saint anne.....the homes lay out/deco gives u a feeling as if you are somewhere in europe. The culture, language, food, atmosphere, waterfalls, homes curb appeal.......its all just amazing and different.

If anyone wants to make a plan/trip to for to quebec city, Canada and would need some help/info...I am always here for u.

Where there is a will, there is a way!

I never thought I will be accepting a new job offer when I will be so far along in my pregnancy. More than an hour drive one way and monday to friday kind of thing. I still don't believe it. But you know, when you look from outside it seems weird and scary that someone who has lost a child before and now in third trimester of pregnancy has accepted a new job with so much travel and busy work routine!!!! Sounds crazy rright? But to be honest with you, to me this is adventure. I am liking it. I don't mind travelling either. Being busy means being distracted from zillion tensions. I come home after almost 1 and half hour drive in some traffic everyday and I cook dinner and lunch and plan my clothes for next day, pack my lunch, watch TV, catch up with few friends etc..... Everything is feasible when there is a WILL. Everything becomes feasible and possible when you jump into it, i guess. Its applicable on my weight loss as well. If I can work towards loosing weight, I guess anyone can do it. I never thought I can work hard and passionately to loose 58 pounds which I did before getting pregnant. Its all about how strong you make your will power and then, things start to happen. Though I have desperate will power to have a baby girl in my life too, I hope god will help me with that as well. Lets see.....

But friends I care for you all and I guess I genuinely care for almost anyone in this world. I would say and request that if there is something in your heart, you feel like you wish you could work towards doing XYZ, Please try it out. Its most likely possible. Your heart deserves it. Life never comes back. Try it out....and you will see, it would be easily achievable than you thought. Just have the will and put in your best shot. Atleast you wouldn't regret that you didn't try when you could.........Sorry, for giving unsolicited advice but I don't believe in keeping my thoughts shut behind doors and when I care for someone and I genuinely believe that there may be a slight chance that my advice can help even slightly someone, I don't stop myself since the goal is more important that worrieng about what the other person would think about me. I hope I am making sense :-)

Well, we are going to quebec city, Canada tomorrow for the loong weekend. Looking forward to this little vacation. So, would luv to tell you guys about my trip once I come back.

Also, I am sorry for not writing on blog since few days since I was sooo busy with work and driving, cooking and home stuff etc etc....BUT you know again, I love writing here and I am going to continue doing it with the same passion as I started and as I said, where there is a will there is a way!

Wish me luck! :-)

Little baby girls are drama queens.....

Little baby girls are drama queens.....!

Full of expressions and are expert in creating scenes.....
Omg! I luv there Ribbons and laces and embroidered jeans......
Sooo cute and fun to play with, Atleast till they get into their teens.....
Really, little baby girls are such a drama queens :-)

There pink flowery dresses.....
So going well with there cherry like cheeks.
It's fun to watch them cleaning up there messes,
And It's amazing how frequently there tears leeks.....

Best dream dolls for there moms,
And daddy's heart forever after queens......

Yes, it's so much fun to be with these little baby girls cum drama queens.


Well, I just would luv to have a baby girl child. I feel soooo bad that I had one and I lost the opportunity of growing her, dressing her and playing with her. I would have loved to see her doing the girly dramas and asking me ..."mommy i have to buy this"....I want a baby girl so baaadly. I want a drama queen for me too. I am not sure if I shared with you guys before, after aanya's death I have been volunteering at a kids nursery for just 3 hours every week and I wrote this poem when I was in nursery this week. I was watching this cute little about 2 years old girl.....With zillion expressions and cherry like cheeks. Anytime, I see little baby girls I miss aanya so much. I feel helpless and pain of not being able to see her growing, pain of not being able to dress her with the zillion dresses I had bought for her, pain of not being able to see her smiling looking at me & my husband, pain of not being able to give her bath or wipe her tears etc....... Honestly, I can keep on going but I guess I will stop here. Trust me, its so hard to live with the imagination of your dead child growing.

This poem is just a little reflection how much I miss having aanya, my passion to have a little girl as a child and how much I love them. Just felt like sharing and letting my thoughts out.......

Birds have feelings too!

I know it sounds like a strange topic and you guys must be wondering what the hell is she discussing. But you know, I think its true that birds do have feelings. I have 2 parakeets( cute little) lemon green and turquoise blue. We call them by weird names- bubbles, gublu bublu, monkeys, changu mangu, haru neelu etc. I think they like attention. When they hear running water sound from tap, they LOVE it since they chirp and you can see the blue one jumping (literally) like a little kid showing the excitement. When I am on phone sometimes, they behave as if they are assuming that I am talking to them and they start to chirp looking at me. The best part - when the tv is on and there is some song going, they would try to sing/chirp with the tune and the moment tv sound stops, i mean you press the mute button, they will stop chirping as well. As if they sing along with the tune. Sometimes, when they hear loud sudden sound they would see in shock....I can see them looking at me as if asking me......OHHH whats that!!! When I try to broom little food/seeds they eat which they sprinkle while eating, underneath & around there table.....they look at me with a question mark expression. When I come back home (after they are alone for many hours), the moment i open the door, they will chirp as if acknowledging that we know you are back. chi chi chi chi....
My green one likes to play/eat the paper towel which I throw on the bottom of there cage to avoid cleaning the mess, since its just easy to change the papertowel every few days and everytime I see him getting down to eat it, I shout NO.....and then, he looks at me with a question mark...is this NO for me....? and I guess, now he knows that NO is for you to not to eat it. Since, now when I say NO loudly when he attempts to eat papertowel, he quickly jumps back up. When they are sleeping at night and we try to bring our hand in the cage.....now we know they get so scared and they don't like to get disturbed from there sleep. Since, they start to flutter and jump here & there in panic (if disturbed from sleep). The blue bird is like a leader in team. He encourages the green one that lets fly (everytime I open the cage). He would take a round and reassures the green one by coming back and kind of telling him that its safe out there. And then, the green one follows him. Though when they fly, they usually go and sit at the same place. I think they are scared of exploring new places to sit in home. But now they know our home directions and they know there way back to there cage. Our little birdies...I can almost write a book on them as in on different things they do etc. My little birdies are like my 2 little babies now :-) I am glad I got them and I really hope that they are happy here.

Just felt like sharing my experience and my surprise over the time that Birds have feelings so much like us.........You never know, it may inspire others to adopt birds too. They bring another spice in your life :-)

Father! (a poem I wrote today on fathers day)

Father!

I wonder what skin a father is made of!

Being a pampered daughter of my cute & double xl size father........
I interfere in what he wears,
I interfere in what he says,
I interfere in what he eats,
I object when he suggests,
I yell when I think he does mistakes.....
I get angry with him when I hear -he smoked or even when I get some lil complain from my mom.
He on the other hand, calms me down, says sorry even where he knows he is not at all wrong,
And NEVER reminds me that he has seen more........knows more.........and moreover, has taught me most of what I know today.

I wonder what skin a father is made of!

Father is who spends all his life in working for our needs, lives as if he never had any dreams for himself and goes all the way out for us......
Father is who forgets his health and dedicatedly works towards all our luxuries as his responsibilities and still never complains like us........

I wonder what skin a father is made of!

Words are not enough,
Any gestures are not enough,
Any gifts are not enough.....
To express the thoughts a daughter has for her father.

I am sure almost every daughter is soooo proud of her father,
And we all always wonder that what skin a father is made of !

Should you disclose your pregnancy in an Interview?????

Well, I am confused if or not one should disclose pregnancy news in an interview. Even though ethically I feel like its something very important and one should not hide but it has always been seen that it impacts the interviewers decision. Legally an employer is not supposed to discriminate on the basis of whether or not a lady is pregnant but unfortunately the trend has been that it does come to the hiring authorities mind as in if or not hire someone who may take maternity leave soon. But then, that can give a wrong impression just in case you end up getting that offer and end up accepting the same. Very critical situation!!!!!

Also, what would you do if you would not disclose in the begining then when do you think it should be disclosed and how????

Please advise..........

Hi Everyone!

I felt like sharing 2 poems with you guys today. I love writing poems and needless, to say my poems are my true emotions at the very moment. The second one is in hindi. My apologies to those who don't know hindi. Though I have lot of things going on in my mind, lot of life's spices/ matters/topics to discuss but I guess I want to postpone the discussion for now. Or I should say not sure from where to start on the stuff. So for today, I thought lets share these poems with you, since someone asked me yesterday to send him my poems and while sending them I ended up reading them again and then, felt like sharing on my blog.

The first one I had written few years ago for my sweetie pie (of course my husband. I had written this poem in our courtship period, i mean few weeks before we got married. I am sorry if this might be boring for some or most of you but couldn't stop myself from sharing it. Please enjoy (if you can:-))

Ever Since I had met you…….

Honey, Ever since I had met you,
I felt something special in you……

May be it was just your smile,
Or may be it was your penetrating eyes,
Or may be the sound proof castle of your fascinating voice,
Or may be just your little first look,
Or may be your truly original and simple wonderful style,
Or may be your sweet & little witty presentation,
Or may be the few steps we had walk together,
Or may be the way we initiated our first talk,
Or may be the patience you had for so many years and on our first date, when you had waited for me,
Or may be that first moment of laughter we shared together,
Or may be the way you had seen me,
Or may be the way our family had interaction,
Or may be our parents blessings,
Or may be the unbelievable progressiveness I had felt in your aura,
Or may be those initial moments when your uncomparable ‘intellectuality’ had trapped me,
Or may be just your simple thought of discovering me,
Or may be the most pure reflection of ‘shivji’ in you………….
Whatever it was………
I really can’t pick just one special reason for having you as my life partner.
A single tear has just escaped from my eyes while I am uttering these simple words that I am really glad that WE WILL BE LIVING OUR ALL LIVES TOGETHER!

Second poem in Hindi!

Mujhe dar lagta hai andhere se.
Mujhe dar lagta hai us akelepan se
Ghar banaya hai jabse humne mujhe dar lagta hai beghar hone se
“hum” ke sath se jab se jeena seekha hai, mujhe dar lagat hai fir “mai” hone se
Teri nazro se jabse apneaap ko dekha hai, mujhe dar lagta hai aaine ke khalipanse.
Haan mujhe dar lagta hai us purane khalisthan se…..
Mujhe dar lagta hai amit raat se
Sach aaj mujhe dar lagta hai andhere se…….
Yu to kal bhi andhere se darti thi
Per tab sathi sath ki zarurat na thi…..
Kyuki akele se hone ki aadat si thi….
Per ab mujhe dar lagta hai sathi mujhe tere sath khone se….
Mujhe dar lagat hai Zindagi kewal jeene ke liye jeene se….
Mujhe dar lagta hai aapki baho ke bina sone se….
Mujhe dar lagta hai aapke bina mere hone se…..
Mujhe dar lagat hai aapke bina sapne pirone se…..
Aur aapko to malum hai ki kitna dar lagta hai mujhe mere fir se mai hone se
Haan mujhe dar lagta hai andhere se…
Mujhe dar lagta hai us akelepan se.

Would love to hear some comments on my above poetry.......(even if its bad :-( ) I will take criticism to improve/learn.

How can you control your thoughts?????

OKK.... today what I am going to write, I am serious!!! I am sooooo reluctant to write but then its Gunjansinnervoice and I feel like I shouldn't hesitate upon anyone's impression on this as in my current thought process. I am upset with myself and I am guilty and I know that whatever I am thinking is not RIGHT and that's why I need tips to to control my thoughts.

Okk, I haven't shared this news with Many but I am going to have a baby boy. I have told most of the people that we are not going to find out the sex of the baby but I did find out about few weeks ago, but for god knows what reason, we kind of decided to lets try and keep it to ourself. As most of my friends would know, I wasn't keen to share my pregnancy news either this time and I have shared very late that too when most of the times when people could see and literally make out on there own. So, even though I am glad with the fact that I am finally pregnant again and really hoping that now hopefully, our arms wouldn't be empty anymore. BUT ever since I have got to know that its a boy, my grief/pain of loosing aanya is back. I feel like I had left the process incompleted since I have yet not been able to accept that aanya is not coming back. I was trieng to do a crime of trieng to replace aanya with this child. I know this is sooo wrong and now since I know its a boy NOT A GIRL, the incompleteness is back. I am filled with mixed emotions, confused state. Not sure how to react kind of thing. I am anyways in desbelief and would not be able to believe we are having a child till I see a live baby in hand. Moreover, I think I would always be in fear for the rest of my life for my baby's life. Because I now know that anything wrong can happen at anytime. I have a feeling that it can hamper my child's normal growth. I hope my child wouldn't feel suffocated with my over protectiveness. I am not sure if I will be able to send my kid ever in some risk oriented games or games/sports that can cause injuries. I guess I would have to always live with this fear. And trust me living with this fear is so difficult and painful. Because earlier I believed that NOTHING such happens to good people.

Well, coming back to what I was talking about. I don't want to do injustice to my baby boy and I feel like by feeling sad that its not a girl, I am sooooo wrong. I am trieng to find reasons lately that its ok to have a boy. Someone told me that boys are mumma's boy. Everytime I hear that someone is pregnant with a baby girl, I feel wow the other lady is soooo lucky. I feel sad!!!!! I am sorry my boy. I feel so sorry and guilty. I look at little girls wearing cute dresses and all the dresses that I had bought for aanya and I feel so sad that I can't use them in the near future or may be never. I know I would be happy to see my child regardless of what the sex is, but why is there sadness. Why am I so in stress? Why am I back in that deep grieving process/ confused state. I guess I have been running away from acceptance of facts and its almost out of my hands to accept it. I love AANYA so much that I just can not let her go. I have been always trieng to fix it by saying to myself that she would come back. I will bring her back. Now I have been thinking that I would have to plan another pregnancy again soon to get a girl and I wasn't ever like that before. I always wanted only preferably 1 child. Whatif the next child would be boy tooo then I would have to try third time again. And if the third child would be boy again then, I can't even imagine how I will survive.....I know, you guys must be laughing at me or must be thinking I am crazy. But I can't even say please try and put yourself in my shoes for a minute, since I know you can't. IS THERE ANYWAY OUT OF THESE WEIRD THOUGHTS??????

Please advise if you may know anyway to control your thoughts.

Why does bad things happen to GOOD people?????

Lot of times when good people go through bad times, its said its a way of God to make you even more stronger and brighter because 'YOU ARE WHAT YOU ARE BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU GO THROUGH'. BUT BUT BUT what if when good people get life long punishment. When I used to goto child loss support group, I saw all parents over there were like angels on this earth, literally. I know its hard to believe for you guys, but these people were so much there for each other, so full of pain but still extremely positive rays/spiritiual vibes and so full of LOVE with teary eyes and shattered too in many ways. I always wonder how can GOD allow such a life looong pain to GOOD people.


Today again, when I heard a really sad news then this question came back in mind. Early in the morning we heard the news of my husband's cousins death. This cousin is in his mid age with 2 twins in there 10th grade and a really nice, loving and kind wife. Aunty who has lost his son is also a very good human being. This healthy cousin died of brain hamarage with almost no explainable reason. He is gone but I don't think his mom deserves this life loooong pain, neither his wife or kids. I mainly feel bad for his mom and his wife. People say its circle of life. But why do such unfortunate things/ pain is given to GOOD people and then, you are left to live with this never ending pain. Yes, I know that in grieving process this pain slows down with time but still why....?
Another instance- I have an awesome lady as my neigbour cum friend. She lost her 21 year old daughter early this year and I can challange almost to anyone that she didn't deserve it either. Why is this life looooong pain given to GOOD people. Struggling with the thoughts and I really wish if I could get a convincing answer ever.

Please advise if you may have some thoughts on this.

I guess there is some SUPER POWER/GOD up there!

Well, the day I found out that Aanya is dead before I had left for the hospital, I had gone to my temple at my home before leaving and begged to god to keep my baby safe and the whole way while driving, I was consitently praying BUT I guess my prayers were not answered and I had gone in desbelief towards my GOD after that. I thought for a loong time that if or not there is really something UP there to believe in. Where did i go wrong and why did he do that to us. Lot of such questions are still unanswered and I hate to feel and say this that I am not sure if these questions will ever get answered. My husband prays to god EVERYDAY and rather I should say multiple times in a day. We both are very religious and god fearing and we both try our level best always to be good human beings. So, long story short after Aanya's death, I still doubt at times (unfortunately) if or not there is GOD up there and sometimes I debate with myself on the same topic. Whatever I have learnt about godly principles as in 'Do good get good' etc. didn't work in our case. My life shaked my faith, my believes etc.

BUT I want to share something today.....something little weird. I doubt if I can call it mere series of coincidences. Sometime before I had gotten to know that I am pregnant (I had conceived by that time but I didn't know at all) I had a dream that I am playing with Aanya and she is alive. I woke up shocked, happy and sad both. Whenever I had dreamt of aanya before it was she kind of freezing/dieng or dead in my hands. This was the first time ever that I dreamt of annya and me playing together. The next night my mom had a dream that I am playing with my little baby. I was little surprised then I thought it could be conincidence since we both have been kind of thinking on the same lines. The 3rd night (consecutively) my close friend who was with me in the delivery room as well when I delievered aanya, she had the same dream. I had not told her about mine or my mom's dream and she called me to tell me unsure whether or not she should tell me about this dream. I clearly remember her words that she kind of said that she is sharing that dream just to convey me that may be this might give me a hope that even though aanya can not come back but atleast my arms would not be empty for looong. After she shared the dream, I told her the coincidence of me getting this dream one night, then the next night my mom getting it and the following night she getting it. We talked how it can be a big coincidence and may be its a sign that the day is not far when I get pregnant. I was in complete desbelief then.....but was definitely surprised. To my shock, when I got to know that I was actually pregnant with my this child when we all got those dreams one after another, i thought that this is completely weird. I am serious guys, can it really be mere coincedence we all getting same dream ????? Me getting it first, then my mom and then my friend and I was pregnant at that time and we all didn't know about it. Almost like God telling us that I am going to have another child. I defininetly felt that there is something above us, some Power beyond our understanding. GOD is not just our imagination. Somethings do show the existence of some sort of NOT clearly understandable power. SO lately, when my unanswered questions put me in doubt on existence of almighty, I remind myself of this DREAM thingy and I try to say to myself that 'NO' there is something up there for sure and hopefully, he would NOT let my this child die on me. Hopefully, he would have felt my pain as much as I did and may be he wept as much as I did, I mean if he is our Father/Mother then any parent would weap a lot seeing his/her child in pain and zillion tears and hopefully, he doesn't want us to be dead again.

Well, just felt like sharing this story. Not sure what you guys would take out of it but I try to take this as a message that I AM UP HERE.

Luv you all :-)
Gunjan

PS Would love to know your thoughts on this!

WEIGHT LOSS Tips and DIET PLAN!

Well, even though I am eating lately the most unhealthy foods in the world but I thought of sharing today the Weight Loss Plan I had followed when I was on my path to loose weight/get healthy before getting pregnant this time and some of it I had tried the previous time as well. I am always here to address any questions or concerns. I hope this will be helpful to few. Well, my plan is little more tailored to Indian eating habbits since I did a lot of research and could not find a complete guided path tailored for indians.

Here is the diet Plan if followed for 21 days can start showing results soon. Because it takes 21 days to develop new habbits or change your life style.

My diet plan is based upon low carb diet i.e. not more than 44 gm of carbs per meal. And 12-20 gm of protein per meal.

How our body functions? To burn carbs our body produces insulin and extra insulin gets converted into fat. Hence, we need to eat less carbs and add more protein in diet. Because protein does not need insulin to burn itself. Also, we need to add fiber in our diet since it helps in taking our extra insulin from body.

DIET PLAN

Early Morning: 1 tbsp of grounded fenugreek seeds/tablet along with luke warm water. Have breakfast 15 mins after it. For more info goto puritan.com But pregnant women must not take these seeds because it can trigger contractions early. Fenu greek seeds helps in controlling cholesterol/diabetes/hormonal issues/pcos sysmptoms/weight gain etc.

Breakfast: HEAVY –
2 pieces of light wheat bread (35 calorie slice)/ 1 slice of whole grain or whole wheat bread with egg white omellete with spinach and other veggies.

Or dal (lentils)/cauliflower/any other veg stuffed sparantha with less than half tbsp extra virgin olive oil along with plain fat free Yogurt or fat free cottage cheese.

Or grilled cheese sandwhich with 2 light wheat slices or whole wheat English muffin. Use reduced fat cheese slices (2 slices)

AND A glass of organic fat free milk with no sugar.

OR a bowl of healthy cereal and milk

Mid morning snack: for protein 5-7 almonds/walnuts/2 tbsp of roasted sunflower seeds and a fruit: clamentine/grapes/cherry/apple/blueberry/strawberry/blackberries/pear/pomegranate

Or a light fruit Yoplait (fruit yogurt)

Lunch: Medium-
half plate of veggies/chicken breast and 1 bowl of fat free yogurt and 1-2 chapatties.


Mid evening snack: any healthy fruit and some cheese, healthy crackers with 50% reduced fat cabbot cheese or healthy protein bar

Dinner: Light-
half plate veggies and 1 ½ chappati and fat free yogurt/chicken breast/grilled or baked fish.

Or Lot of salad with lemon as dressing and avoid salt.



Important Healthy Rules/Tips:

1) Make wheat dough with 30-40% wheat bran and 2 spoons of grounded flax seeds.

2) Never eat fruit immediately after any meal. Wait for an hour before eating fruit after lunch/diner since otherwise fruit would get converted into sucrose.

3) Antioxidants foods like walnuts, flax seeds, Blueberries, pomegranate etc are very healthy.

4) Avoid any artificial sweetners as much as you can.
5) If taking alcohol- first preference should be red wine then white wine and LAST in the queue comes beer.

6) No fresh juices or market juices since juices are concentrated form of carbs.

7) To loose weight we need to have low carb diet NOT low fat diet.

8) Avocado is healthy fat but only 1/3 of avocado/day intake since it is also intense in calories.
9) 1 bowl of dal/lentils is quivalent to 1 bowl of potatoes w.r.t carbs.
10) Look for list of low glycemic index foods online and try to consume more of them and avoid high glycemic index foods.
11) Avoid high usage of microwave and non stick utensils. Because you don’t want your metabolism to slow down by fighting with any contamination.
12) To decrease the bloating in body have only 1000gm of sodium intake that means reasonable sodium/salt intake.
13) Fat free tofu is another good source of protein.
14) Never starve your body rather eat healthy things every 2-3 hours to keep your metabolism boosted.
15) Increase water intake.
16) Take less mercury fish like salmon/cat fish once a weak.
17) Prefer room temperature water/ luke warm water over COLD water.
18) To have more fiber take 1 tbsp of benefiber twice a day in your glass of water. Benefiber is cooler less and tasteless.
19) If you don’t want to add wheat bran and flax seeds in your wheat dough, you can add 2 table spoons of benefiber while making dough for some fiber.
20) Turmeric, ginger and garlic are extremely healthy and ginger & turmeric when consumed together in any curry promotes weight loss.


WORK OUT RULES:

1) Must workout for atleast 40 minutes 4-5 days in a weak. Since after 40 mins of work out your metabolism goes at its peak.
2) Must do 10 minutes of stretching after any work out that will make your muscles to continue burning fat even after.
3) Must keep on changing workout excercises since different routines triggers faster weight loss because it confuses your cells memory and hence it leads to faster results. For eg do different things on different days like : swimming, aerobics, yoga, cardio (treadmill/elliptical etc)
4) For faster results do 2 types of routines each day. For eg do a 1 hour class of aerobics and then any core training excercises or yoga or swimming or any cardio for few minutes.
5) 5-10 minutes of “vajra aasan” after lunch and dinner.
6) Keep on drinking water during exercise routine.
7) If working out for more than 1 and half hours in a row then try and have some electrolyte in water i.e. little salt and little sugar.
8) To burn your belly fat do Core training excercises like taichii, pilates etc. This is ideal to tone your body in perfect shape.
9) To release stress do 5-10 minutes of meditation every day after work out.
10)Look for ways to burn more calories via different home chores like ironing, gardening, house cleaning etc.

Nothing feels better than feeling the kicks of ur baby !!!

Nothing feels better than feeling the kicks of ur baby.......Especially if u have lost one
Nothing feels better than feeling your baby move.......Especially if u have craved for one
Nothing feels better than being close to your dreams again, If they have been shattered once...
Nothing feels better than eating unhealthy food again in your pregnancy, Especially if you have struggled with your weight to get this one
This path is much more scary now, much more unrealistic now and needless to say, muchhhh more loooonger but the hopes are still beneath our heart that god would NOT let anything wrong happen to this one.....
Iff all goes well, Our arms would no longer be empty anymore and we would finally be able to live & play with this one :-)


These are my true feelings lately in the form of a poem I wrote a week ago. I felt like sharing with you guys. Please keep your fingers crossed for us this time. Need everyone's blessings. Thanks!

Confused on how others use SILENCE technique to work on there arguement with spouse!

I can not keep my anger in me. I don't recall almost anyday when in my marriage when I would have been upset and not talking to my husband because I just can't. I have to always let it out. I really would like to know and learn how others do it. I think it needs a lot of patience to be hurt and upset with not just a stranger/aqantaince/friend but with your husband and being QUIET. Hats off to others who can do it. I guess I don't have that much patience. But it gets tough when the other person is not getting it when you are trieng to argue/explain yourself. OHH I get it, I guess sometimes other ladies can do it when they realise its not leading anywhere except its like banging your head into wall.

For instance, today I did NOT ask him to not to go for his game. He went yesterday and day before yesterday and he is supposed to go tomorrow eve too. I didn't want to be alone this eve. So, I only presented my preference and he felt as if I am stopping him to go. Presenting your preference that too once a while I guess is ok. But guess what I still insisted him to go, since I knew if he wouldn't go than he would be like a poofed up baloon attitude with me during that time. And exactly thats what is happening, whats the fun in going with my preference when he is unnecesary upset and blaming me for him not going and stuff like that. Give me a break! I am 24 weeks pregnant and he should be rather trieng to make me happy and if he is staying at home to make me happy then, by adding all those cutting remarks and his angry face is making things worst. Instead he should not have stayed. God! I know you guys must be wondering why am I boring you. But I think I am just letting myself out. This is a platform for me to say myself and thats why I named it Gunjansinnervoice!

Ok I am going to try the approach I have heard from a lot of people but never implemented. I am not going to speak to him this time (which I have never done that). I want him to realise on its own. I don't know how me not speaking is going to do it but I know me speaking and yelling is making him defend himself and more provoked to prove ...I don't know what. So who so ever is listening to me ot there....I am going to try the old silence thingy. Lets see if it really works. Its hard for me though but I am not going to speak to me nowonwards. So far, its been an hour and I can see him already in "not sure what to do now kind of situation". He wasn't even getting it at all. Now even though I hate to not to talk to my luv but guess what he has left me with no other option. Though I always forget the main reason behind arguement after a lil while. hahaha:-) Will keep you guys posted on this........

Luv you all!

PS Please do share how do you guys manage such situations.....How does this silence thing works for you? Does it help or makes things worst?

Being yourself along with 'Gandhigiri'!

I would have loved acting as my career but I hate to act before my near and dear ones. But sometimes world expects you to be unnatural and diplomatic. Moreover, probably I do that (not unnatural but hiding my inner feelings) with the hope that the misunderstandings anyone may have will get cleared, if I will be what I am instead of showing any grudges. Sometimes trieng to clear misunderstandings/confrontation makes things more complicated and people end up saying things to defend themselves and to justify there actions. The best thing I guess in such scenario is "Gandhigiri" (following mahatma gandhi's ideas as in being You i.e. a normal good human being & keeping the patience of giving other person opportunity to learn on there own by seeing your consistent kind/natural behaviour) which means doing the right thing. Now the word 'right' in itself is so wide and wague. But by right here I mean is - instead of bringing your ego and running out of the situation or arguing to prove your point, you have to give others a chance to know you more and for that you have to be just YOU - a good being what you orginially are (even though its not easy sometimes especially if you are kind of hurt) and giving people chance to let themself realise that there thoughts are mere misunderstandings. I know I am sounding may be a little complicated here but I hope it makes sense.

Shrek 4......3D experience!

Just watched the movie. We were about 5 minutes late. I guess Avatar 3d has setup higher expectations with 3D experience and even though shrek 4 was good or I should say nice but probably the expectations were higher. How to train dragon 3d did a good job since it was a new plot and new characters etc......Shrek 4 had the old emotional attachment, you definitely wouldn't feel waste of time but you know that thing you when you are coming out of the exit walkway, you feel if or not carrieng a new experience/some sort of spark.....that was missing! Definitely movie has a lesson that 'rellish what you have'. But I guess my life has already kind of taught that to me a little bit (after loosing aanya- my daughter), so that wasn't a new lesson to me either.

Anyways, I came back with extreme curiousity on if or not anyone out there has read me, i mean if there is an ear for me toooooooo! But not really yet :-( Not sure if I should send this blog link to all my near & dear ones. I wonder what other bloggers do..... Especially I am not really writing about a specific topic as in food/travelling/a story etc......I am just being completely ME......different spices of life with my perspective to it and about me as well;-) in some way. So I am gonna be sharing my sorrows, happiness, anger with almost anyone, frustrations etc......What If I want to say myself loud about someone I know and my upsetness with anything happening in my life. This is confusing.....Hmmmmmm...... May be I shouldn't care. Even though I wouldn't like to hurt anyone but I can express myself talking about anyone with not there original names. Even if they read it, may be there isn't a harm in it since it will only show my clear thoughts. And I know I would not intentionally be mean ever. So, may be I should share this blog with friends and family or should I wait. Let me sleep on it.

I guess its time to go now. Is there anyone out there listening to me??????

My first blog -5th june '2010 !

This is the first time, I am EVER writing a blog. I have thought about it a lot especially after I saw that movie...'julie & julia'. I always write my thoughts emotions on paper or on word ever since I had almost started to write properly. I remember my first poem in hindi language :"Mere vichaar" when I was probably in the 4/5th grade. I am here to just be compltely ME...I mean let myself out and speak my inner voice -direct from heart. I am so happy that finally there is something in the world to let yourself emotions out. May be there will be some people somewhere who may waiste there time on me too. hahaha:-) I mean wow this feels good. Its like a door has opened which was closed and making me feel suffocated since LOOOONg. Million thanks to someone who discovered blogging. I can imagine now why people write blogs. I guess we females need shoulder and ears to yell or speakout our thoughts to avoid suffocation. Blogging is almost like getting lot of soft angel ears listening to you and there for you almost anytime you need them. Anyways, enough about blogging.

Who am I? such an easy question but I really don't know from where to begin though and how to summarise it though. My name is Gunjan. I will start with my first name because I have just started to explore the blog writing world. I don't know where this will go. Well, most important things about my life I want someone to know when I want someone to get to know me in little words is I am a good person and a loving mom without a child though. I think I am very emotional and I have a heart full of love. Now you guys must be wondering mom without a child.....Well, I had a miscarriage about 2 years ago and then after healthy eating & excercising heavily and getting back into good shape I conceived again (by the grace of god) but unfortunately my daughter - aanya died when I was 41 weeks pregnant (past my due date). Got shattered and lived like a dead person for so many months and time went like a never ending years....Though about 8 months after I lost my little angel (I mean she is still with me but not physically), I got pregnant again and I have started getting back to normal. I heard somewhere that 'You are what you are because of what you have gone through'. I just know this that I am a much better person and Aanya left her heart with me before going to god and so I have 2 hearts or I should say a much bigger heart now. Trust me I am not saying it for the sake of saying. Enough about me for now but actually, I am not on ph or on face to face conversation with someone so wowowowowow! I can be ENOUGH about me...Hahaha.....I can keep on writing till I want. I can keep on saying what I feel. And moreover, why do I think I need to summarise it. I guess I don't want to bore anyone if someone may read this. But I should think that I am not here to impress anyone rather I am here to be me and let myself out. Rright?.....
So, that must have told you I am almost 24 weeks pregnant now. I get my good days and bad days but definitely much more scared and in desbelief than any normal pregnant woman. I am a social person but I used to think that I can mix up with anyone but I have realised I can't. I don't like people who are NOT emotional. I like people who are practical too because I get to learn from them as long as they are not shrewd...(i don't know if i spelled it right) and please I am not going to spellcheck on my words from my heart. I am enthusiastic person and I love to say my heart out to almost anyone. My husband says may be I shouldn't do that with everyone because than sometime people can start taking you forgranted. But I am what I am. I learn a lot of good things from my husband about life and how to handle situations and lot of different things. He loves to give lecture. He should have been a teacher instead of an Architect ;-) because he is good in it and enjoys it every second. Anyways, I know lot of people love me but I know lot of people misunderstand me...but I learnt it somewhere in life that the trueself of a person gets visible to everyone gradually. You don't have to put in any extra efforts to prove what you are. Life does it for you over the time. But guess what even though I strongly believe in this sometimes I feel like I don't have enough patience. Talking about patience. The biggest patience I have seen in myself is being consistent with my workout and extensive healthy diet plan that made me loose 58 pounds after aanya's death since I desperately wanted to fill my empty arms. I want to see my husband playing with our own child. He is sooo good with kids. Touchwood! I am little bit proud of myself that even though I LOVE fooood but I have worked hard enough to get pregnant again for me and my whole family and I hope god would not let anything go wrong this time. I doubt if I will be able to survive if anything wrong happens anymore. My doctor told me I am warrior on my battle to get on to motherhood but I don't want to be warrior anymore.....I want to relax and give bath to my kid and put him/her new clothes, hug him/her tight, watch my baby smile and make faces looking at us....Ohhh my god ! I still don't believe that this all can happen to us. Fingers reallly really crossed!

I forgot to mention I live in US but I was born and brought up in India. I am proud to be American and Indian. I can never pick one or the other if I have too. Because India is my family & parents and US is my home..... Shall I mention state now or may be later.

My husband has gone to play badminton at the moment and we planned to go for shrek 4 in 3d in eve. I am not sure if I want to though. You know even though I didn't much write what all was going in my mind and how much stresses I have beeen lately but just by starting to write I am already feeling relaxed. Its like therapy. Its good and I think it works.....well, we will figure it out later that if or not it works at many a times or is it just because its MY FIRST TIME!

Hopefully, I will come back soon. Lets see what life has in store for me.

Take Care .....sending lots of luv to you all :-)