My Most helpless/longest night -8th May 2009!

Helpless/Longest night!

8th May 2009! My due date for Aanya’s birth was 6th May and it was 8th May when I couldn’t feel her moving and around 2 pm I left in rush to hospital & so rush that didn’t even let my mom take her dupatta. It was past 4 pm, I got to know Aanya is no more. It felt like a nightmare. I was like how could god do this to me when all I wanted in the world was to become a MOM! That was the only and only goal for me. I didn’t had Nonveg in my entire pregnancy as a pundit recommended & had moved our temple from our temple nook to Aanya’s room hoping god ll protect. I never thought in my wildest dreams that a perfectly healthy child in perfectly healthy pregnancy can die for something as simple as she pooped & inhaled it in stress. My thoughts people become parents when they don’t want to and all I wanted was to be a mom & how could god let this happen to me who hasn’t tried to really harm anyone ever intentionally.

Anyways, My first stupidest response was to fix!!!!! Amit was banging his head on the wall & mom was crying & getting ph calls from everywhere. I clearly remember asking dr. How soon can I get pregnant again. I just wanted to become mom!!!! I didn’t know what’s coming......till I saw her on 9th May.

Amit suggested C section but doctors proposed normal delivery even though it ll be emotionally treacherous but it was healthier choice for future, so I insisted to go with normal as was ready to take it like a warrior. You are not born strong, definitely not me, experiences make us/define us.

Next 24 hours was going through the labor pains knowing & not even a single second of sleep & the wait to deliver Aanya that too knowing she won’t be alive. I spent whole night looking at clock & monitor watching my contractions graph. Harshi bhaiya & Arti bhabhi were on their way from canada. It was the longest & the most helpless night of my life. Next day, after I delivered her, I was in shock beyond you can imagine. My brain had kind of stopped processing. When Aanya came out on 9th May - Mother’s Day!!! (Ironical 🤷‍♀️, my life is full of ironies lol) They kept her on a steel table top naked with no blanket cold as if she was a thing. I felt so so so angry but didn’t utter a word. Then she was given in my arms. Most yes! Most beautiful lips, most cutest child you can ever imagine.....My Aanya was so pretty & angelic. I wanted to see her whole body.....which I did. Till date I have regret that I couldn’t spend enough time with her. Well, you can never let go of your child and regardless of the age - few days, few months, years, loosing child is the worst pain on earth. It’s like living in hell. When a child dies, a part of you dies. Though god has made our brain such that with time it learns to process & live life again. Am a happy mom now with 2 boys. Aanya left me with a much much bigger heart ❤️ & a soul that can empathize & experience that taught not to judge people easily as you never know what people may be going through to be the way they are. Our experiences good or bad, are for us to learn lessons of life & define us. I was talking once to a dear writer friend & we were discussing that our experiences have made us a writer and given us the depth of emotional understanding that we have got today.

Ohh Mann!!!! I can really write essays easy lol. Sorry this was a sad nightmare experience that I wanted to put on paper. Sharing/writing is like venting, brings you peace I guess. People usually don’t share such experiences with open heart but i don’t know why but I wanted to let it out.  

But it’s a lesson that how time heals all pains & this pain of our current emotions during lockdown down shall pass too. Have faith in time & your universe.

Om Namah Shivay 🙏🏻

PS: Pic is of the helpless pregnant mom with no arms, a pottery sculpture made by me!