Saturday, May 9, 2015

Letter to my daughter in heaven...Happy Birthday Aanya!

Happy birthday Aanya!

I still see u growing vicariously. You would have been turning 6 today. Yes, you are and will always be My beautiful little princess. Indeed, Weird emotional time of the year for us- with mothers day coming always & ur death & birth anniversary next to each other...could it be more complicated than this LOL.

Your lil brother Aanush asks for u & wants to see your pictures & he even sometimes cries that he wants Aanya back. I sometimes see you as drama queen in him. I know you would have been so beautiful & I bet you are up in heaven as gods one of the most beautiful & cute little angel. I can never ever still let u go & your existence taught me so much. Your brothers are super loving & yes, super cute too as you. Btw I can imagine you in a beautiful dress & pink ribbons & perfectly pretty shoes. Indeed we love you soo much & way more than you can imagine darling & miss having you a lot too. Hope wherever you are in heaven or reincarnation, you are happy & that's all I pray for you today & for my selfish need, I also hope that I get to hug & kiss you again some day as deep inside I feel helpless & week feeling wish I had more time with you. Hugs & Kisses from you brothers Aanush & Aayush!

With Luv, kisses & prayers for you,
Your mom


PS: this letter is to my daughter who died for world years ago. 

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Missing my mom on mother's day....

Dear Mom, Never wrote for you & here's a lil one for you...... Everytime I am unable to find something I kept somewhere I think of you Everytime I get tired and not in a mood to cook I think of you Everytime aanush does something more cute, I think of sharing with you. Off & on when make myself proud, I think of sharing the first with you  Everytime I feel sick, the first person I miss is you I miss the lunch box you packed everyday for me, I miss the way you used to use your hands to feed me, Miss the way you always woke up early for me, Miss the way you taught Hindi and algebra to me,  Miss the way you used to fight with me, Miss the way you used to complain to papa about me, Miss the most you always cooked my favorites for me.... Every time now I feel exhausted being a mom, I think of you.  Every time I feel lost in the world, unsure of the way, I think of you Though destiny has brought the distance & kept us apart but needless to say, you are always so close to my heart,  Am thankful to god that my mom is always there for me..... Love you always and you are the best mom for me....

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

you defined 'me' and 'everything else' to me.....

My lil angel ' Aanya'- you defined 'me' and 'everything else' to me..... I didn't know who I am till I grieved for you, I didn't know how much strength I have till I delivered you,  I didn't know my weaknesses either till I lost you, Didn't know what Bye or kiss means till I gave the goodbye kiss to you, I had no clue what life is till I started to experience the pain of losing you, Didn't really know what dead means either till a part of me died along with you,  I had no clue what being mom is either till I experienced your kick in me, Didn't know what denial means either till I experienced the emotional roller coaster ride in me.  Didn't know what motherhood feels like till I Decorated your room or started to shop for you,  Had no clue what world or people are either till I went through 'what I went through',  I had no clue what angels are either till you had send them to support me, Neither had much clue on what reality or destiny is either till I lost control of bringing back the life in you, Had no clue what happiness is till I realized what I had, when I had you. Got to know what really sadness means when I realized that there is nothing me or anyone can do to bring back you,  Didn't know what really struggle is till I started the the journey of bringing your sibling with the hope that I may get someone who may look like you,  Still remembering the lesson of what hope is when doctor didn't utter any word but lost the hope of finding the heartbeat for you, Learnt what really vicariously/imagination means when in my eyes open dreams imagined the growing you,  Learnt what hard means when experienced the hard challenge of not being able to stop tears for you, Learnt what empty means when I realized I had empty arms after losing you, Didn't know what money means either when learnt that there is nothing I can buy to replace / backfill the happiness of having you.  Though I am still learning as I grow and still far way to go,  But Yes, you defined the most of me and the most for me and you will always be alive not just in my heart but brain too as my dictionary for the most for me!  Love you always..... Your mom! 

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Living far away from family pains a lot at times!

Our friend just lost his dad and he can't visit India to do rituals of his dad since there in an urgent court date which can't be missed or changed. I can't even imagine what he may be going through but only feel more looking at such scenarios that we do live so far away from families.

Distance hurts even more when you hear such instances. My sis is planning to relocate to Australia and since my mom has 2 daughters (me and my sis), my parents would be lil alone since we would be so far away from them. When we have festivals like Diwali, thanksgiving, Christmas........, birthdays, house warming, it's more painful since you feel bad that your most closed ones can't be there during your most big days. When I see my fellow friends celebrating with there families here little occasions, I miss being in that scenario too. It is fortunate for those who can meet there families very often. It's not easy to leave our life here and go back now and hence, no other choice but to learn to live with it.


Saturday, January 14, 2012

Follow your dreams as life never comes back....

Only x years are left in everyone's life and why to live every day/year with unsatisfaction
and bothering thirst if you have strength to full fill your dreams. Moreover, not many people get to reach close to fulfill there dreams but if life is giving you an opportunity to fill yours even if it involves some risk, I think it's worth it. Life never comes back and we should do what our heart is leaning for. Moreover, I would never like to be a blocker for someone else's path to conquer there dream but instead would consider a priviledge if my any assistance can fill there much awaited true dream.

We don't know what life has in store for you and if anything can bring you the best awaited happiness, then go and grab your best ever moment now. Your dreams deserve to come true if you are so close to fill them. At least you would never regret that wish I would not have given up.....

Follow your heart/dreams.....

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Nothing immediate to look forward to at this point.....

My husband usually isn't keen to take vacations and no long weekend is coming soon either. Neither I have plans to visit India soon, nor anyone coming to meet us. Feeling stagnation both at work and in personal life. NOthing really visible to look forward to. They say leave yourself to time and let time take you to its journeys and twists and turns. Am not prepared for any more shocks but definitely keen to add to more excitement and life to my life. The only thing lately I look forward to us seeing my son while coming back from work. Rest all seems pretty monotonous. Always usually had something or the other to look forward to. I had felt the same stagnation almost 8 months before marriage but thereafter life has been a roller coaster ride and hence, not use to of a simple daily routine life.

Moreover, I have started wondering if my dreams would ever come true. I mean my last left wishes would ever come true. God, if you are their pls help.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Chopped at HGTV....

Have you this show. It's really good concept of bringing chefs and giving them 4 surprise mandatory ingredients only 20 mins to make appetizer, 30 mins for main course and 30 mins for dessert. Some ingredients are really tough and mind boggling. Makes you wonder what you would come up with if in that boat. I have seen them giving ingredients like jelly beans for dessert, grapes for entree, horse reddish and blue berries for 20 mins perpetration for appetizer.

Makes me realize I am not a good cook and need to learn a LOT and hardly know any cooking techniques. Cooking is such a wide art. I think you can never learn enough when it comes to cooking or I should say there is so much more to experiment in this art. But I bet it might get monotonous to for chefs to prepare same menu items again & again. Would luv the idea of restraint which has diff menu every and each day of year. Neither the chef would get bored and not the customer. That's what I called spices of life.... Taste new spice each day!