Wish I knew the art of Analysing DREAMS!

Well, I had read few books lately on dreams analysis. One of the book said that via dream our subconsious mind communicates with our consious state as in it conveys the message but its hard to interpret it since many a times its a pun. Just like our consious state is thinking and doing analysis every moment, our subconsious mind too is recording information and making critical notes on the most impacted stuff. And via dreams it conveys us messages as in this is wat you are going through, this you shouldn't do, this you are juding wrong, this may help us, this is your current priority/sate of mind etc etc.

I didn't read anywhere that said that dreams indicate our future in anyway and I hope in reality DREAMS do not indicate future. Well, I had a horrible dream 2 days ago. Wish I could get it analysed. I don't rememeber the whole dream but I will share what I remember waguely. In my dream, I was in a boat with some people in it -with a feeling that they all are my people/my family and my responsibility. I didnt see anyone though. The boat was on a stream (not at all deep stream). Stream was so shallow that you can step down and walk and it was on the side of a downtown kind of road. I felt I needed to go to restroom and hence, I had to try and take boat upstream so as to use the restroom just 2 minutes away which we had missed. So, in my effort to do so the boat which looked like a small size ship (which can seat 30 people atleast type) went upside down couple of times as if tripped 360 degree couple of times and hence, I realised some of my near and dear ones have fallen in that shallow water and since that boat had hit something, they were stuck under the concrete of some building. My readers know that I don't have a live kid in my hand for now, but in my dream I realised that my 3 kids are stuck there. I ran to to take them out from the concrete which had fallen and I did feel in my dream that I am pregnant since I felt heavy and concious while running. Rest everyone was safe except my 3 kids were stuck there. One kid was just an infant, second was 3 years old and the third in my dream was about 7/8 or may be 10 years old. I felt all the energy to dig and I took 2 of them out quickly the infant and the 3 years old and then these kids were breathing and alive buy unconsious with there eyes closed just the way I had seen aanya with her eyes closed. And the worst of all some veins from there neck were cut and hanging out, so they needed to be taken to doctor immediately for surgery. The thought in my mind was thankgod they are still breathing and I have to rush them and save them by all means. I was feeling an energy and so strong desire to save them as in I will die if anything happens to them. I was holding one child in my one arm and second in another arm. I also felt guilty in the dream of trieng to take ship upstream since I had to pee urgently. I felt so scared and was shouting to ask the crowd to call 911. I had hugged my kids tight and was shouting over and over with tears in my eyes " please call 911" I don't recall myself holding the 3rd eldest child though. and then, I woke up.

Not sure what that dream means, may be it reflects my fear to some extent and/or the desire to NOT let anything wrong happen to any of my child. Why was that shallow stream here in almost middle of the downtown road and the ship seemed to be looking good but not sturdy enough that it broke while trieng to take it upstream. Sometimes I get very weird dreams associated with my pregnancy and my own kids. Please help me if anyone of you knows how to analyse dreams and if you know the way I can get them analysed because I wonder and hope these dreams are not indication of any wrong sign now. Because I don't think I can take any loss anymore.

Thanks for listening to me!

PS: I think of writing blog everyday and feel quilty for not being able to write in evening but then with work, home stuff and commute I get tired and feel lazy by night.

Can't wait to deliver!

I really can't wait to be in the THE day when I will have my live and hopefully healthy child in my hands. Ohh my god....the feeling that I have right now is like you have the world's most yummy icecream in front of you and you haven't eaten anything since 1 year, and you are extreeeeemly beyond words hungry and still you need to wait for a specific date to be able to eat it..........Can' express, how much tears I guess I would have seeing him moving his hands, hearing him cry, see him seeing me......TOUCHWOOD! I hope nothing wrong would happen now. If doctor's would ask me to deliver today. I would do it without even a single second thought. Can't wait to see my mom and my husband holding and kissing our live baby. These 9 months are passing like 90 years.....GOD please fast forward it now. Thankgod with the new job the weekdays flies to some extent though evenings are still difficult to pass. When he moves in the belly, i feel like opening the belly and touch him, see him and hug him so tight.

Though this time at "bhaiyaduj"(those who dont know its a hindu festival to celeberate brother and sister relationship) I will miss aanya so much. Needless to say, I miss her everyday but today when I was thinking that who would be a sister for my baby's bhaiya duj day......I felt so helpless to not to have aanya. sigh!

Well, i feel so heavy too. I have gained more than 22 pounds already. Belly is so out and i feel back aches lately. Changing postures, getting up from bed is getting tough. For zillion reasons my heart says every minute, I CAN'T WAIT TO DELIVER....!

Fingers so tightly crossed.

BUSY BUSY BUSY!

Being busy is good sometimes, since it takes your mind away from stress and lets you distracted from "scary what iff" thoughts. I have been thinking of writing lot of recent experiences for eg. my friends had thrown a very thoughtful goodluck/ baby shower kind of gettogether for me this saturday and on sunday I had planned a satyanarayan katha at myplace wherein I cooked for about 50 people. So, I want to share my thoughts on both and many other things going in mind lately but like I said, with the job, commute and home stuff - last few weeks have been crazy. But I miss writing though. The thought of someone listening to you via blog is so relieving and like going to a therapist. But simultaneously, in my case being so BUSY was also so much needed to keep my mind atleast for the day away from scary thoughts. Since, I am tired of panicking thoughts and I am SO READY TO DELIVER. Can't wait to hold my live child in my arms. fingers really crossed!

Will write more soon on last few days happening and stuff.

Pregnancy after a Loss!

Pregnancy after a loss is like passing LOOONG 9 years in 9 months. Everyday if I don't get to feel kicks, i prepare myself for the worst because I am so scared of being in that dead stage/getting shock again. My doctor used a term for this like post traumatic stress. You live your nightmare over and over in the self preperation for the worst. Needless to say, I miss my daughter even more when I feel this baby's kicks. Little little things remind me so much of my previous pregnancy and then, talks with friends on delivery and stuff rewinds and plays in my mind my whole journey of delivering my stillborn aanya. Me and my husband hate to plan anything since we are still in so much desbelief. We tend to ignore at times the fact that we hopefully, will have a child in our arms. We are trieng our level best to not to be excited and we don't want to setup any hopes since we are so scared of getting hurt/being dead again. By being dead here, I mean when a child dies believe it or not parents die as well for a long time. I was so dead and i still don't believe it at times that this has all happened with me. Everyday I count how many days are left and I am sooooo ready to deliver or I should say, I can't wait to deliver this time. I am sick and tired of living in fear. I am sick and tired of living in this wierd ignorance/desbelief. I am sick and tired of hiding my pregnancy with people. Most of my relatives and friends still don't know that I am pregnant. Though I have heard from other friends/parents who have lost kids/infants that having another child is the only medicine to our pain, but the journey to attain that medicine is so painful itself. Moreover, going through the mixed emotions of having a boy this time..not a girl. I am so damm exausted from the emotional roller coaster ride of - first misscarriage, then loosing weight to concieve, previous pregnancy, Then on the top of it worst of all loosing aanya, then my hardship with weight loss again, and then this pregnancy journey and the struggle of accepting the loss..........I need peace and smile without ANY stress. I am sooo longing for a peaceful and calm life. I am hopeful that when I will finally get to hold my LIVE BABY in my arms, I would have those contented tears and a happy final SIGH........
Need your prayers this time. And thanks for listening to me.

Quebec City, Canada vacation on long weekend!

I feel like I have more energy lately. Even after long drive from quebec city, I cam back and made idli's for next day lunch for me and my husband.

Well, quebec city, Canada....didn't expect it to be so different. Not many people who know english there. So, please be ready to use sign language/ having hard time to explain yourself if you don't know french and are going to quebec. I remember asking a lady to take our photograph on the mountain view spot, and she said yeah and then she left from the place without uttering any word and didn't take our picture. I had asked her before if she knows english and she had said "little". Also, I remember we went to a eating joint and another lady didn;t know english and I asked her what town is this and she got sooo confused and not sure if she understood my question. Place is so pretty......Mount saint anne.....the homes lay out/deco gives u a feeling as if you are somewhere in europe. The culture, language, food, atmosphere, waterfalls, homes curb appeal.......its all just amazing and different.

If anyone wants to make a plan/trip to for to quebec city, Canada and would need some help/info...I am always here for u.

Where there is a will, there is a way!

I never thought I will be accepting a new job offer when I will be so far along in my pregnancy. More than an hour drive one way and monday to friday kind of thing. I still don't believe it. But you know, when you look from outside it seems weird and scary that someone who has lost a child before and now in third trimester of pregnancy has accepted a new job with so much travel and busy work routine!!!! Sounds crazy rright? But to be honest with you, to me this is adventure. I am liking it. I don't mind travelling either. Being busy means being distracted from zillion tensions. I come home after almost 1 and half hour drive in some traffic everyday and I cook dinner and lunch and plan my clothes for next day, pack my lunch, watch TV, catch up with few friends etc..... Everything is feasible when there is a WILL. Everything becomes feasible and possible when you jump into it, i guess. Its applicable on my weight loss as well. If I can work towards loosing weight, I guess anyone can do it. I never thought I can work hard and passionately to loose 58 pounds which I did before getting pregnant. Its all about how strong you make your will power and then, things start to happen. Though I have desperate will power to have a baby girl in my life too, I hope god will help me with that as well. Lets see.....

But friends I care for you all and I guess I genuinely care for almost anyone in this world. I would say and request that if there is something in your heart, you feel like you wish you could work towards doing XYZ, Please try it out. Its most likely possible. Your heart deserves it. Life never comes back. Try it out....and you will see, it would be easily achievable than you thought. Just have the will and put in your best shot. Atleast you wouldn't regret that you didn't try when you could.........Sorry, for giving unsolicited advice but I don't believe in keeping my thoughts shut behind doors and when I care for someone and I genuinely believe that there may be a slight chance that my advice can help even slightly someone, I don't stop myself since the goal is more important that worrieng about what the other person would think about me. I hope I am making sense :-)

Well, we are going to quebec city, Canada tomorrow for the loong weekend. Looking forward to this little vacation. So, would luv to tell you guys about my trip once I come back.

Also, I am sorry for not writing on blog since few days since I was sooo busy with work and driving, cooking and home stuff etc etc....BUT you know again, I love writing here and I am going to continue doing it with the same passion as I started and as I said, where there is a will there is a way!

Wish me luck! :-)