I miss her EVERY DAY!

She would have been about 1 year and 8 months old if she would have been alive. I used to think that if my arms will have another child, I will start to feel contentment/peace. Needless to say, I am happy with Aanush and smile is there but the pain is there too. I think of her every day. I love saying here name..."aanya" whereever I can, because everytime I say her name, I feel her existance. I know it may not make sense to many. Yesterday, I went to see my friend newborn baby girl. Little baby of my friend is about 6 pounds weight, same as aanya and when i was seeing her eyes and lips, I thought of aanya....I see aanya in every little baby girl. I didnt feel like leaving her. On my way back, I started to weap and shared it with my husband that I want to goto aanya's grave and am missing aanya badly. I still feel pain in my neck and chest when I weap for her. And then my husband told me that he misses her everyday too. He thinks of her everyday too. We both felt helpless and I wept all my way back. I couldn't goto her grave since it had snowed heavily yesterday and It was late about 11pm and aanush was with mom at home. You can never stop missing your child.

Then I thought of my neighbour who had lost her 21 year old daughter last year and I thought of a friend who recently lost her daughter/stillbirth case like mine. Trust me, its tough to live without your child. Its a LIFE LONG pain. But I feel happy too......with aanush. Wish I could explain myself better. There are always mixed emotions. Little /petty things don't bother me much anymore. I am very happy with aanush but there is always a LOSS PAIN in heart too. You know, aanush doesnt look like aanya anymore. That doesn't change my love for him at all but that makes me miss aanya more. That makes my thirst to get aanya back more. Honestly, loosing child is such a complex grief and you are always struggling inside to soothe yourself or thinking of plans to fix the continuous pain that it gets confusing to understand what do you really want. Because no matter what you do this pain stays with you as your body's part. Sometimes I say to my friends and myself if I will have lots of kids, then I will be so busy that I wouldn't be able to even realize this pain. But guess what, i am extremely busy even now- with work, aanush, home etc but still the pain never forgets to leave its place. How can you accept to live with this pain. Sometimes, I reach at acceptance but then the other day I am back with my fixing instinct.

But I would like to tell this to my beighbour who lost her 21 year old and my friend who recently lost her daughter before delivery, even though this pain would never go away but trust me your next child would bring you happiness and tears of joy. You would have the best time of you life giving him/her breast feed. I will pray for you and every mom who has lost child, that may god give them the strength to live and help them find ways to stay happy too.

OM NAMAH SHIVAY!