Tuesday, May 8, 2012

you defined 'me' and 'everything else' to me.....

My lil angel ' Aanya'- you defined 'me' and 'everything else' to me..... I didn't know who I am till I grieved for you, I didn't know how much strength I have till I delivered you,  I didn't know my weaknesses either till I lost you, Didn't know what Bye or kiss means till I gave the goodbye kiss to you, I had no clue what life is till I started to experience the pain of losing you, Didn't really know what dead means either till a part of me died along with you,  I had no clue what being mom is either till I experienced your kick in me, Didn't know what denial means either till I experienced the emotional roller coaster ride in me.  Didn't know what motherhood feels like till I Decorated your room or started to shop for you,  Had no clue what world or people are either till I went through 'what I went through',  I had no clue what angels are either till you had send them to support me, Neither had much clue on what reality or destiny is either till I lost control of bringing back the life in you, Had no clue what happiness is till I realized what I had, when I had you. Got to know what really sadness means when I realized that there is nothing me or anyone can do to bring back you,  Didn't know what really struggle is till I started the the journey of bringing your sibling with the hope that I may get someone who may look like you,  Still remembering the lesson of what hope is when doctor didn't utter any word but lost the hope of finding the heartbeat for you, Learnt what really vicariously/imagination means when in my eyes open dreams imagined the growing you,  Learnt what hard means when experienced the hard challenge of not being able to stop tears for you, Learnt what empty means when I realized I had empty arms after losing you, Didn't know what money means either when learnt that there is nothing I can buy to replace / backfill the happiness of having you.  Though I am still learning as I grow and still far way to go,  But Yes, you defined the most of me and the most for me and you will always be alive not just in my heart but brain too as my dictionary for the most for me!  Love you always..... Your mom! 

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