Pregnancy after a Loss!

Pregnancy after a loss is like passing LOOONG 9 years in 9 months. Everyday if I don't get to feel kicks, i prepare myself for the worst because I am so scared of being in that dead stage/getting shock again. My doctor used a term for this like post traumatic stress. You live your nightmare over and over in the self preperation for the worst. Needless to say, I miss my daughter even more when I feel this baby's kicks. Little little things remind me so much of my previous pregnancy and then, talks with friends on delivery and stuff rewinds and plays in my mind my whole journey of delivering my stillborn aanya. Me and my husband hate to plan anything since we are still in so much desbelief. We tend to ignore at times the fact that we hopefully, will have a child in our arms. We are trieng our level best to not to be excited and we don't want to setup any hopes since we are so scared of getting hurt/being dead again. By being dead here, I mean when a child dies believe it or not parents die as well for a long time. I was so dead and i still don't believe it at times that this has all happened with me. Everyday I count how many days are left and I am sooooo ready to deliver or I should say, I can't wait to deliver this time. I am sick and tired of living in fear. I am sick and tired of living in this wierd ignorance/desbelief. I am sick and tired of hiding my pregnancy with people. Most of my relatives and friends still don't know that I am pregnant. Though I have heard from other friends/parents who have lost kids/infants that having another child is the only medicine to our pain, but the journey to attain that medicine is so painful itself. Moreover, going through the mixed emotions of having a boy this time..not a girl. I am so damm exausted from the emotional roller coaster ride of - first misscarriage, then loosing weight to concieve, previous pregnancy, Then on the top of it worst of all loosing aanya, then my hardship with weight loss again, and then this pregnancy journey and the struggle of accepting the loss..........I need peace and smile without ANY stress. I am sooo longing for a peaceful and calm life. I am hopeful that when I will finally get to hold my LIVE BABY in my arms, I would have those contented tears and a happy final SIGH........
Need your prayers this time. And thanks for listening to me.