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I can not keep my anger in me. I don't recall almost anyday when in my marriage when I would have been upset and not talking to my husband because I just can't. I have to always let it out. I really would like to know and learn how others do it. I think it needs a lot of patience to be hurt and upset with not just a stranger/aqantaince/friend but with your husband and being QUIET. Hats off to others who can do it. I guess I don't have that much patience. But it gets tough when the other person is not getting it when you are trieng to argue/explain yourself. OHH I get it, I guess sometimes other ladies can do it when they realise its not leading anywhere except its like banging your head into wall.
For instance, today I did NOT ask him to not to go for his game. He went yesterday and day before yesterday and he is supposed to go tomorrow eve too. I didn't want to be alone this eve. So, I only presented my preference and he felt as if I am stopping him to go. Presenting your preference that too once a while I guess is ok. But guess what I still insisted him to go, since I knew if he wouldn't go than he would be like a poofed up baloon attitude with me during that time. And exactly thats what is happening, whats the fun in going with my preference when he is unnecesary upset and blaming me for him not going and stuff like that. Give me a break! I am 24 weeks pregnant and he should be rather trieng to make me happy and if he is staying at home to make me happy then, by adding all those cutting remarks and his angry face is making things worst. Instead he should not have stayed. God! I know you guys must be wondering why am I boring you. But I think I am just letting myself out. This is a platform for me to say myself and thats why I named it Gunjansinnervoice!
Ok I am going to try the approach I have heard from a lot of people but never implemented. I am not going to speak to him this time (which I have never done that). I want him to realise on its own. I don't know how me not speaking is going to do it but I know me speaking and yelling is making him defend himself and more provoked to prove ...I don't know what. So who so ever is listening to me ot there....I am going to try the old silence thingy. Lets see if it really works. Its hard for me though but I am not going to speak to me nowonwards. So far, its been an hour and I can see him already in "not sure what to do now kind of situation". He wasn't even getting it at all. Now even though I hate to not to talk to my luv but guess what he has left me with no other option. Though I always forget the main reason behind arguement after a lil while. hahaha:-) Will keep you guys posted on this........
Luv you all!
PS Please do share how do you guys manage such situations.....How does this silence thing works for you? Does it help or makes things worst?
Gunjan
ReplyDeleteIt's totally depend on one's personality and nature, one can keep things in mind and analyse by own and others can't.
The most important thing is to get peace in mind. See if u can only give ur best to others when u r urself at best. One should always do the things which make him/her happy whether its playing games with friend (like ur husband) or writing blog and share feeling with friends.
Quality time is more important then quantity.
U r pregnant and because of hormone change, u will feel extreme mood swing and That natural. I amtell u by my expreenice
Thatwhy U want him to be apart of every min and U like to be pampered by him But dear give him same space and then she the change.......
Take care of urself
will always wait to see ur blog.
hmmm....i guess..each and evry guy on this planet earth like to do his own things..video games, movies ,TV, SPORTS and wt we(girls) like chit chating, shopping, gossips. so just keep this thing in your mind
ReplyDeletebut whenevr thy do wt thy like ,we feel ignored and thn tht leads to hurting and alot of emotions and stress...eps! HE DOESNT CARE ABOUT ME.
Its time for US to realise tht we are banging our head against a BULL with no head!..lol..let them do wtever! these guys wont change. do somthing tht u love to have good time not to ignore him bt to make your self happy, not to mistreat him coz 'HE LEFT YOU'.(now this line is incorrect he dint leave u own our own..just goin for game,YAAR!)
infact give him a very smiley face b4 he leaves!
now this atitute will make him wonder...wts goin on with Gunjan!!! my dear wifey! why she aint fightin with me for goin out. keep him wondering! coz thy dont like explanation and anger as they feel attacked by wife and only thing they would do at this point is to defend themselves and in anger or frustration wont do their own thing and no good time spendin with you either.
we definatly dont want tht!right!
and one more thing...treating silently is not a good idea..thts means u are punishing him! n tht is same as being angry.like tit for tat...but in diferent way.
Now the main thing is how to be happy when we actuallly dont feel happy from wt he is doin?
coz its easy to say n very very tuff to do.So share your feelings with friends.Share your frustration but with the right person. At tht time we need to now wtever we are FEELING is right( the coz of the feelin is right, CAUSE might not be RIGHT).SO CALL ME ! next time..and i am gonna call you..lol
Thankyou shweta and anu. This helps. Though i never ask him to go against his wish. Trust me. Like I said, he went on saturday and sunday to play badminton and today (tuesday) he is gone again to play raquetball. I like him to enjoy and live his life and these are healthy things too. But on monday for some reason (may be mood swing) I just didnt want to have dinner alone and I told him my preference NOT insisted at all. I never interfere with his choices. But he decided not to go on his own and then he kept on cribbing and blaming me for it. Trust me he is an awesome person and husband but sometimes, I feel like he is having mood swings more than me. He is acting much more pregnant than me. I should be the one acting cranky at times but on the contrary he did that. But its ok....this is something little. But so far its about 24 hours and I am still keeping my mouth shut and not talking to him at all....WOW I have finally not spoken to him for 1 full day. He tried to let me speak but he never said that he realises what I was talking about yesterday. So, even though I don't like being quiet anymore and I am bored too being kind of alone today. I am still going to continue with this silence technique till he realises atleast that he should not have been rude yesterday. Pls suggest if I am doing it wrong.
ReplyDeleteThanks!!!!!!
Hmm...in the beginning years of our marriage we always argued about stuff...we still do...but some things have definitely changed. Earlier I always wanted to sort out things before we go to bed. He on the other hand would ignore whatever happened and carry on regular talk and small chit chat. I hated that...simply put....and I still do. Trust me Gunjan I have tried the SILENT therapy. It surely doesn't work for my husband. We just had an argument about something this past wknd and me not talking (except the bare essential conversations) seemed not to make any difference to him. So finally I had to ask him If me not talking makes any difference or not, He said of course it does...and we went on to sort things out.
ReplyDeleteSO my point here is....its not necessary that the SILENT TREATMENT works for all relationships. I think guys basically don't like confrontation. Or at least I know mine doesn't. We would argue...fight....disagree but after a while he would pretend as if nothing happened and wants to go on with life as usual. I hate that coz I want a resolution on the topic of argument but sometimes I push it and sometimes I let go. I guess the right thing to say here is ...We have to pick our battles. You are right in your perspective here but maybe he has his own reasoning to it and if I know you well...I think its killing you for not being able to sort this out with him....my suggestion for you is to take the least stressful step coz that's the last thing you need at the moment!!
gunjan
ReplyDeletesimer is right so Trust me Gunjan I have tried the SILENT therapy and don't go for it and stop right that now.
U should not be in stress now so speak out but in polite way so that convey ur message or feeling.
This is a part of life dear and everybody is going through ......
U should always smile as u r best in that. :)
Take care of urself .......
Very interesting! “Silence Technique” is very debatable topic for me .Before marriage ,if anyone would bring this up I would burst out in laughter as to me if we love why be Silent about it and WHY the hell we torture each other with being silent .
ReplyDeleteI still stand to my theory that your partner or you shouldn’t engage in any form of silent treatment as at the end of the rope you are hurting yourself. Most of the time in this situations i use- COOL OFFF stunt; what that means is, if I have an argument over something I take my head somewhere to cool off an argument .Most of the time men understand what we’re trying to say they just choose to ignore it or act ignorant .After being married for so many years I’ve realized we could fight over an issue for hours and then I run behind him for resolution for a fight which was over for him in seconds.
My conclusion to this theory, most men have small attention span towards deep arguments or confrontation so the only way works for me is LET IT GO !!!!!
Thats a good insight poojamaverick. Thanksyou ladies for such a good insight and sharing your experiences/knowledge. I agree men really have short attention span towards arguements. The other day after me being silent for more than 24 hours, he got me flowers (not my fav ones though) and finally, ended up putting in his good efforts to make me talk. So, I did and I explained myself in details and to my surprise, as usual though he didn't remember most of the things and he was acting as if why the hell am i making an issue out of little thing. I wasn't making an issue, I only needed him to understand the fact NOT ASSUMPTIONS. So, i am gonna try the 'LET IT GO' thing more persistantly now. If I would see him misunderstanding me in any discussion/arguement instead of continuing the same, I have already started saying myself ..."WHATEVER" with the though of distracting myself with other imp things. Though he doesn't like the word whatever from my mouth :-) At the end of the day, you luv your spouse so much that you can't hang on to little arguements anyways.
ReplyDeleteSo, thanks everyone!