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This is the first time, I am EVER writing a blog. I have thought about it a lot especially after I saw that movie...'julie & julia'. I always write my thoughts emotions on paper or on word ever since I had almost started to write properly. I remember my first poem in hindi language :"Mere vichaar" when I was probably in the 4/5th grade. I am here to just be compltely ME...I mean let myself out and speak my inner voice -direct from heart. I am so happy that finally there is something in the world to let yourself emotions out. May be there will be some people somewhere who may waiste there time on me too. hahaha:-) I mean wow this feels good. Its like a door has opened which was closed and making me feel suffocated since LOOOONg. Million thanks to someone who discovered blogging. I can imagine now why people write blogs. I guess we females need shoulder and ears to yell or speakout our thoughts to avoid suffocation. Blogging is almost like getting lot of soft angel ears listening to you and there for you almost anytime you need them. Anyways, enough about blogging.
Who am I? such an easy question but I really don't know from where to begin though and how to summarise it though. My name is Gunjan. I will start with my first name because I have just started to explore the blog writing world. I don't know where this will go. Well, most important things about my life I want someone to know when I want someone to get to know me in little words is I am a good person and a loving mom without a child though. I think I am very emotional and I have a heart full of love. Now you guys must be wondering mom without a child.....Well, I had a miscarriage about 2 years ago and then after healthy eating & excercising heavily and getting back into good shape I conceived again (by the grace of god) but unfortunately my daughter - aanya died when I was 41 weeks pregnant (past my due date). Got shattered and lived like a dead person for so many months and time went like a never ending years....Though about 8 months after I lost my little angel (I mean she is still with me but not physically), I got pregnant again and I have started getting back to normal. I heard somewhere that 'You are what you are because of what you have gone through'. I just know this that I am a much better person and Aanya left her heart with me before going to god and so I have 2 hearts or I should say a much bigger heart now. Trust me I am not saying it for the sake of saying. Enough about me for now but actually, I am not on ph or on face to face conversation with someone so wowowowowow! I can be ENOUGH about me...Hahaha.....I can keep on writing till I want. I can keep on saying what I feel. And moreover, why do I think I need to summarise it. I guess I don't want to bore anyone if someone may read this. But I should think that I am not here to impress anyone rather I am here to be me and let myself out. Rright?.....
So, that must have told you I am almost 24 weeks pregnant now. I get my good days and bad days but definitely much more scared and in desbelief than any normal pregnant woman. I am a social person but I used to think that I can mix up with anyone but I have realised I can't. I don't like people who are NOT emotional. I like people who are practical too because I get to learn from them as long as they are not shrewd...(i don't know if i spelled it right) and please I am not going to spellcheck on my words from my heart. I am enthusiastic person and I love to say my heart out to almost anyone. My husband says may be I shouldn't do that with everyone because than sometime people can start taking you forgranted. But I am what I am. I learn a lot of good things from my husband about life and how to handle situations and lot of different things. He loves to give lecture. He should have been a teacher instead of an Architect ;-) because he is good in it and enjoys it every second. Anyways, I know lot of people love me but I know lot of people misunderstand me...but I learnt it somewhere in life that the trueself of a person gets visible to everyone gradually. You don't have to put in any extra efforts to prove what you are. Life does it for you over the time. But guess what even though I strongly believe in this sometimes I feel like I don't have enough patience. Talking about patience. The biggest patience I have seen in myself is being consistent with my workout and extensive healthy diet plan that made me loose 58 pounds after aanya's death since I desperately wanted to fill my empty arms. I want to see my husband playing with our own child. He is sooo good with kids. Touchwood! I am little bit proud of myself that even though I LOVE fooood but I have worked hard enough to get pregnant again for me and my whole family and I hope god would not let anything go wrong this time. I doubt if I will be able to survive if anything wrong happens anymore. My doctor told me I am warrior on my battle to get on to motherhood but I don't want to be warrior anymore.....I want to relax and give bath to my kid and put him/her new clothes, hug him/her tight, watch my baby smile and make faces looking at us....Ohhh my god ! I still don't believe that this all can happen to us. Fingers reallly really crossed!
I forgot to mention I live in US but I was born and brought up in India. I am proud to be American and Indian. I can never pick one or the other if I have too. Because India is my family & parents and US is my home..... Shall I mention state now or may be later.
My husband has gone to play badminton at the moment and we planned to go for shrek 4 in 3d in eve. I am not sure if I want to though. You know even though I didn't much write what all was going in my mind and how much stresses I have beeen lately but just by starting to write I am already feeling relaxed. Its like therapy. Its good and I think it works.....well, we will figure it out later that if or not it works at many a times or is it just because its MY FIRST TIME!
Hopefully, I will come back soon. Lets see what life has in store for me.
Take Care .....sending lots of luv to you all :-)
Gunjan, very nice start and well written. Hope to see more from u.
ReplyDeleteLovingly,
-Amit
I feel ur Open Heart
ReplyDeleteThe heart is like a flower - unless it is open it cannot release its fragrance into the world. Most of us have learned how to keep our heart closed in a world that would trample all over us if we let it. Being open hearted today seems to require tremendous courage. It is a courage which comes only when we realise that no one can hurt us, no matter what they say or do. They may hurt our body, but if we have realised we are spirit, nothing outside can touch us, if we so decide. Little by little, practice opening your heart to those you think have hurt you. Realise it wasn't them that hurt you, it was yourself. And it taught you not to trust and you closed your heart. A closed heart is in need of opening. And when you do, you will have begun to heal yourself
Nice start and I really like whatever u have written. But do mention about me in one of ur blog..:)Keep going.
ReplyDeleteLuv,
Misha
I have no words to express what i'm feeling after reading this gunjan. even though life has shown us different experiences...sometimes i feel we are so similar...yet so different. similarity - i have always talked to aman about writng my own blog and even started one ...then never really wrote it since i got fixated on the name. not knowing what to name it i simply left it - Difference. You on the other hand never give up. Whether its yourself, your feelings, your family or friends. i have seen you work on relationships/things that in my eyes are not worth the effort but you still don't give up on them. i may not agree with you or even scold you for going ahead with such stuff but in reality i really appreciate your will power and commitment to make it right. not everyone has the persistence to do so. i'm very happy to see you write and also glad that its helping you relieve some of your stress. even though we've had our disagreements, i'm very glad we are friends. i wish you the best in life....always!!
ReplyDeleteoh btw....i did start writing my own diary a while back (since i don't have to name it :-)) so i know what exactly u must feel after writing. so keep it up....looking forward to it...
Most people are not very upfront about their lives and opinions and maintain a certain level of lies and mysteries, mainly to avoid being judged. Unfortunately, that is not the case with you. You don't mind other people's opinions and judgments. And this complete lack of fear and complete lack of social pressure shows in your writing too.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations! You seem to be updating everyday. This might turn out to be the best thing you ever did, so enjoy it as much. I will, of course, keep coming back for more. Love, N :)
Thankyou ladies for being there for me. For listening to me (even though most of it might be boring for you). Your suggestions and advise is MORE than Welcome. Learning never ends and in my case, I think I need to learn and explore a lottttt. So, please don't even think for a second before putting your inner voice before me.
ReplyDeleteShweta Thanks for being there for me EVERY day to listen to me/or I should say reading my blogs and above all your kind words/advise/comments. This is really helpful.
N & Simer: I luved the way you girls appreciated me.
Sometimes I feel like flattery is my weekness. Does every girl love appreciation as much as I do. But ofcourse that doesn't mean that just to get appreciation I will be in any case a lil faque here. This is my inner voice and anyone listening to me out here is like an angel send by god. So I can't ever think of not being ME. Well, I hope you all would be my listeners forever and ever.
dear gunjan
ReplyDeletecongrats for writing on blog.ur inner voice is really appealing and correct.only one thing u shud keep in mind that a divine soul going to be delievered through u,therefore,just free ur yourself from attachment,greed,anger,desire n
ego and pray to almighty to get peace and strength.u have to play ur life as an observer
not as a character and this can be learnt by
Almighty's blessings only.
just get relaxed n start praying to enjoy ur divine journey.
with best wishes
amrit
Thankyou Amrit Sir for your kind words and for always being there to lighten my path and reminding me the right direction. Engrossed in life, I always get caught up with various feelings as you said- anger, frustration, attachments, desires etc....Though its hard to detach yourself and taking life as an observer. I do try to remind myself at times especially when I see we can not control our life and life doesn't go the way we want to plan it. I am glad to have a mentor like you in my life. THANKYOU so much for being always there.
ReplyDelete